Ah, what a sight, a veritable feast for all the senses, laid out before your very eyes and ears, as the mighty rescue ship uss eib — with me, your beloved captain, Rush Limbaugh, at the helm — rolls into the harbor. Above the sounds of wind and water you can hear and feel the mighty rumbling engines, powered by freedom and 500,000 gallons of glorious marine diesel, the fossil fuel of American democracy.

Like the usns Comfort, it is a converted oil tanker, but unlike the hospital ship, the eib carries no supplies. It brings only my bracing vocal vibrations moving across the land and sea like medicine, carrying the healthful message of American Exceptionalism. It is a fresh air cure, a sunshine treatment by which, I, Rush, the captain of this vessel, serving America, serving humanity, shine the light of truth, the greatest antiseptic ever known.

The naval hospital ship has completed its New York mission, but my rescue mission never stops. The Comfort’s total patient capacity is a mere 1,000 beds; my mission capacity reaches tens of millions.

And by the way, according to the ship’s computer-model audience estimates, 42 million people now tune in to eib. Yes, we have our own models. We plug in our own data. “But, Rush! Your website says 27 million!” Look, just like the covid-19 modelers and the global warming crowd, we determine the data we put in, so we get whatever result we want. And if I suddenly feel like 45 million people are listening, I will make sure the model creates that number, so I can announce it. No, we’re not trying to flatten the curve with our models. We’re not trying to control behavior at all; that’s the difference. We just want constant listening.

Which is where you come in. Admit it. You are addicted to eib. It’s a healthful addiction. eib is an airborne phenomenon, spread by casual contact. And if you get it, you are cured. Once you get it, you’re well! When you get it, you are inoculated against all strains of propaganda. It cures you of the sickening, poisonous disease of liberalism that’s spread by the drive-by media. I am the antidote.

Which is why, in addition to Captain of the uss eib I am, and remain, the Doctor of Democracy. And here is my prescription: Live the freedom that is your birthright. Grab hold of your Creator-endowed liberties. Unshackle yourselves. Trust your God, love your families, embrace your priceless way of life, and prosper, America!

Illustration ©2020 by Christopher Hiers created for The Limbaugh Letter