“I pledge allegiance to the United States of America, one nation, indivisible, under God, for real.” — Joe Biden, quoted at The Federalist

You know, the thing. Maybe you’re more familiar with pledging to China.

“I don’t think it’s appropriate, I think the Constitution implies, there’s no provision in the Constitution. My problem is, I made a mistake at teaching Constitutional law for 21 years and the separation of powers.” — Joe Biden, who did not teach Constitutional law for 21 years, wandering aimlessly in search of a thought, at town hall on abc

Look under “pay for play” in the Democrat Handbook.

“You have to teach people how to de-escalate circumstances. De-escalate. So instead of anybody coming at you and the first thing you do is shoot to kill, you shoot ’em in the leg.” — Joe Biden, explaining his version of police reform, abc town hall, video via Twitter

Joe, sounds like you need an nra training course. And some adult supervision.

“If you want to be an ‘originalist’ in law, maybe you should go all the way. Cooking on a hearth. Leeches for medicine. An old mule for transportation. Or maybe you can recognize that the world changes.” — Dan Rather, during the Amy Coney Barrett confirmation hearings, on Twitter

If you want to be a journalist, get off the frequency for fake news. Kenneth.

“Think of me as sort of a lioness. I’m [saying], ‘Okay, you come near my cubs, you’re dead.’ I mean, just don’t mess with the children. And I consider all of America’s children our children. So don’t be cavalier about our children to be in a classroom.” — Nancy Pelosi, on re-opening schools, cns News

A lioness doesn’t support killing lion cubs in the womb, Madame Jackal.

“I don’t know why you’re always an apologist, and many of your [cnn] colleagues are apologists, for the Republican position!” — Nancy Pelosi, to Wolf Blitzer, in meltdown over being questioned about holding up covid aid, cnn

Botox poisoning, or dementia? You decide.

“Going out to eat with members of your household this weekend? Don’t forget to keep your mask on in between bites.” — Office of the (Democrat) Governor of California, official news feed, on Twitter

Hey, Governor: I’ve got something you can kiss in between bites.

“You might say, ‘We are getting out of here — we are going someplace else.’ … Tell me: Where are you going to go? What’s your alternative?” — Jerry Brown, former California Democrat governor, dismissing talk of people fleeing California, in The New York Times

America.

“What aircraft carriers were in World War II, masks are today.” — Gov. Jay Inslee (D, WA), on Twitter

What trench foot was in World War I, Democrat governors are today.

“Black Lives Matter, I view as, very profoundly, a theological statement.” — Hillary Clinton, in her first podcast of “You and Me Both with Hillary Clinton,” quoted at The National Pulse

And racial division, arson, and looting are your very profoundly socialist sacraments.

“We know religious institutions have been a problem. We know mass gatherings are the super spreader events… If you’re not willing to live with these rules, then I’m going to close the synagogues.” — Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D, NY), press conference, quoted at The Daily Caller

Will you order a mass book-burning afterward?

“Is the American First Amendment the best way to protect free speech? … [M]aybe not.” — Emily Bazelon, “The Problem of Free Speech in an Age of Disinformation,” in The New York Times Magazine via Twitter

The next Twitter ceo.

“covid is God’s gift to the left.” — Jane Fonda, video via Twitter

Wrong. God isn’t evil. Certain human beings, however, can’t say the same.

“Charles Koch is going big for [Amy Coney] Barrett … because he hopes she’ll destroy the planet.” — Paul Krugman, New York Times columnist, on Twitter

Krugman’s brain has been destroyed. It cannot be resuscitated.

“I’m not gonna say I’m disappointed [that Trump survived covid], but it kinda feels like when there’s a car crash and the only survivor is the drunk driver … I bet even God was like, ‘Hey, we tried, guys.’” — “Saturday Night Live,” via NewsBusters

Some people say snl used to be funny in the 1970s.

“To recap: We have a biological terrorist in the White House.” — Asha Rangappa, cnn analyst, as President Trump returned to the residence from Walter Reed to complete his covid-19 recovery, on Twitter

To recap: we have an idiot on cnn. But that’s not news.

“Fear is natural in the face of the most deadly pandemic in a century. It’s also useful.” — abc News, disputing President Trump’s message, “Don’t be afraid of covid. Don’t let it dominate your life. We have developed, under the Trump Administration, some really great drugs & knowledge,” on Twitter

“Fear is useful” — the drive-by media motto.

“The Death of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg Pushed Me to Join the Satanic Temple.” — Jamie Smith, “a 40-something attorney and mother who lives in a quiet neighborhood with a yard and a garage full of scooters and soccer balls” who is “not the type of person who would normally consider becoming a Satanist, but these are not normal times,” in The Huffington Post

Do you know Kathy Griffin?

“I kinda wanna watch Trump’s rally Saturday night to see him croak.” — Kathy Griffin, after Trump had recovered from covid, on Twitter

Is this the Satanic Temple itinerary?

“Patiently waiting for Trump’s coma to commence.” — Kathy Griffin, on Twitter

No, the only thing in a coma is your career.

“If this starts over and there’s another four years of this, then I’m going … where can I go? And I’m thinking: Oh, space. Maybe I can talk Elon Musk into giving us a jet and letting me pick 50 people, and we’re like the ark, and someone can take us and let us live on another planet until the next four years are over.” — Stevie Nicks, Fleetwood Mac singer, on a Trump reelection, in Variety

Stevie. Honey. You’re gone already.

“As a Bronx resident, there have been many times, I mean, it’s almost a way of life where it can be very difficult to get access to fresh and healthy foods… One of the worst stories I have about this is that I was very excited to make — I think I was making gazpacho or something like that. I looked at this recipe and I needed basil, and I was going home and I get off the subway station and I go into the grocery store and there’s no basil, no fresh basil in the grocery store. So then I walked to another grocery store two blocks down, no fresh basil. I was very stubborn about making this recipe that evening, and I must’ve walked around for an hour in our neighborhoods, visiting four or five grocery stores, and there was no basil, no fresh basil in any of them. And it just goes to show, it’s very illustrative of the difficulties that we have in our communities in accessing fresh produce. And even when we do or are able to access some of that fresh produce, a lot of times it’s on a styrofoam tray wrapped in plastic, or if you’re able to access it, it may have been sprayed with tons of pesticides and what have you, and it’s almost as though the good stuff, you have to travel all the way to affluent neighborhoods to do that.” — Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D, NY), on America’s systemic unfairness, video via menrec.com

You could order from Amazon. Oh, wait.

“I’m hoping that we end this experiment, this national nightmare, in this election.” — Hillary Clinton, referring to President Trump, quoted in Newsweek

We already ended the nightmare. In 2016. Go walk in the woods.

“I just think that there still is a significant percentage of men and women who are not comfortable with the idea of a woman President. It is something I saw; it is something I experienced.” — Hillary Clinton, in The Atlantic

There’s a significant percentage of men and women who don’t like crooked, shrill politicians. Move on.

“With the 2020 election, we know … that the Russians are at it again, disinformation is at it again.” — Hillary Clinton, in The Atlantic

YOU are at it again.

Photos ©2020 Shutterstock: Rather: Broadimage; Biden: Carolyn Kaster/AP; Cuomo: Erik Pendzich; Clinton: Evan Agostini/Invision/AP; Fonda: Stewart Cook; Krugman: Jorge Nunez/EPA-EFE; Griffin: MediaPunch; Nicks: Richard Young; Ocasio-Cortez: John Minchillo/AP