Archive [April 2000]

“There is a global emergency going on… The earth is heating up and everyone’s future is at risk.” — LEONARDO DICAPRIO, ACTOR, PROMOTING A CAMPAIGN TO ABANDON FOSSIL FUELS, WHILE NOT MENTIONING THE ENVIRONMENTAL DAMAGE DONE TO A THAI ISLAND WHILE FILMING HIS LATEST MOVIE, “THE BEACH,” REUTERS

The earth is heating up! No more Titanics!

“I think it’s obvious that the Republican Party is in a massive identity crisis.” — AL GORE, ON CNN’S “LARRY KING LIVE”

And who are you today? “Love Story” leading man? Internet inventor? Alpha Male?

“Looks like the fun is over…” — JONATHAN ALTER, NEWSWEEK WRITER, AFTER JOHN MCCAIN SUSPENDED HIS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN, ON MSNBC

Boo-hoo.

“Any woman alone with him for five minutes would have done exactly the same thing.”— MONICA LEWINSKY, ON PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON BILL CLINTON IN THE OVAL OFFICE, IN JANE MAGAZINE

Well, there is the Paula Jones exception.

“I think it’s understandable that people say, ‘Well, who is she, and why is she doing this, where is she coming from, and what has she ever done on her own?’”— HILLARY CLINTON, QUOTED IN THE NEW YORK TIMES

Yes, it is.

“Can’t get it high enough.” — BILL CLINTON, COMPLAINING AFTER TEEING OFF AT THE ARMY NAVY COUNTRY CLUB IN ARLINGTON, VA, AP

Whoa, Mama! Stay up!

“And I just kept getting bigger and bigger, and my partners just would avert their eyes as I walked down the hallway … This had never happened.” — HILLARY CLINTON IN A CAMPAIGN SPEECH TO 500 FEMALE LAWYERS IN MANHATTAN, DESCRIBING HER 1979 PREGNANCY WHILE THE FIRST FEMALE PARTNER AT THE ROSE LAW FIRM, QUOTED IN THE NEW YORK TIMES

What a pioneer.

“Would you tell your parents something for me? Ask them, if they have a gun in their house, please lock it or take it out of their house. Will you do that as good citizens?” — HILLARY CLINTON, LEADING 150 ELEMENTARY SCHOOL STUDENTS IN A “PLEDGE AGAINST GUN VIOLENCE;” JUST AFTER IT WAS REVEALED HER CAMPAIGN TOOK $1,000 FROM RAPPER SEAN “PUFFY” COMBS, INDICTED ON A MULTIPLE FELONY GUN POSSESSION CHARGE, QUOTED IN THE HOTLINE

“And would you wear these little brown shirts for me?”

“We have the capacity to squeeze [gun] manufacturers like a pincers and hurt them in the marketplace. We are bigger than the NRA.” — ELLIOT SPITZER, DEMOCRATIC ATTORNEY GENERAL OF NEW YORK, AP

We’re from the government, and we’re here to help you.

“Every household that returns the form does strengthen the ties that do bind us together as a civilized society.” — KENNETH PREWITT, CENSUS BUREAU DIRECTOR, PRESS CONFERENCE, QUOTED BY WORLDNETDAILY

Or we’ll squeeze you like a pincers.

“Intentionally morally bankrupt.” — JESSE JACKSON, REFERRING TO GOV. GEORGE W. BUSH, UPI

This from Bill Clinton’s spiritual counselor.

“I propose boosting the federal investment in technology research so that we could create gun detectors that could scan city streets and pinpoint guns, reducing the need for stop and frisk.” — HILLARY CLINTON, AT THE RIVERSIDE CHURCH IN MANHATTAN, PROPOSING A PLAN TO HEAL NEW YORK CITY’S RACIAL STRIFE, REUTERS

Government street scanners: why didn’t the Founding Fathers ever think of that?

“Your privacy is protected by law (Title 13 of the United States Code), which also requires that you answer these questions. That law ensures that your information is only used for statistical purposes and that no unauthorized person can see your form or find out what you tell us — no other government agency, no court of law, NO ONE.” — KENNETH PREWITT, CENSUS BUREAU DIRECTOR, COVER LETTER WITH U.S. DEPARTMENT OF COMMERCE LETTERHEAD, SENT WITH CENSUS FORM

Translation: We already have your FBI files.

“I have waited for 35 years for my country to be in shape again to build a future of our dreams for our children.” — CLINTON, AT DEMOCRATIC GOVERNORS’ ASSOCIATION $5.1 MILLION FUNDRAISER, CLAIMING THE U.S. HAS A RARE OPPORTUNITY TO ADDRESS THE NATION’S PROBLEMS, AP

As if for the last 35 years the American people didn’t build their own dreams.

“The award … is a fitting tribute. Together with Ronald Reagan, we took the first, most important steps to end the Cold War and start real nuclear disarmament.” — MIKHAIL GORBACHEV, SUPPORTING A MOVE BY LAWMAKERS TO AWARD A CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL TO RONALD REAGAN, CNN.COM

What do you mean, “we”?

“I would like it if this were not a political issue, I would like it if it were not a partisan issue. I would like it if not a single vote could be made on this in the November election.” — BILL CLINTON, ON GUN CONTROL, REUTERS

Sure you would.

“We also found very clearly that he [Vice President Gore] had no motive to give a false statement.” — JANET RENO, ATTORNEY GENERAL, TO REPORTERS, AFTER IT WAS REVEALED THAT GORE TOLD INVESTIGATORS HE DID NOT KNOW HE WAS RAISING “HARD MONEY,” DESPITE EVIDENCE THAT IT WAS DISCUSSED AT A MEETING HE ATTENDED, UPI

How about this as a motive: He wanted to hide the truth.

“Circus elephants are denied almost everything important to them, including family relationships, privacy, mental stimulation, physical exercise, and emotional outlets.” — GOLDIE HAWN, ACTRESS, ASKING MARYLAND LEGISLATORS TO BAN THE USE OF ELEPHANTS IN ENTERTAINMENT ACTS, NANDO TIMES

Send them to the White House.

“Probably the best explanation is that they were in boxes of junk that were moved to the White House, that was moved around and unpacked over time and ended up in a stack of stuff… I mean, that’s the real story.” — HILLARY CLINTON, ASKED AGAIN ABOUT THE MISSING ROSE LAW FIRM BILLING RECORDS THAT SUDDENLY TURNED UP IN THE WHITE HOUSE, QUOTED IN THE NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

Yep, that’s the best explanation, all right.

“One of the differences between the mayor and me is that I actually admit that I’m a human being who occasionally makes mistakes.” — HILLARY CLINTON, CRITICIZING RUDY GIULIANI’S “DIVISIVENESS,” QUOTED IN THE NEW YORK TIMES

A human being! Well, that puts that rumor to rest.

“We’ve reduced gun crime to, I think, a 31-year low. But it’s not enough.” — JOE LOCKHART, WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN, WHITE HOUSE TRANSCRIPT

Let me get this straight. Gun crime is at a 31-year low. So why the hysteria?

“I care very deeply about the integrity of our politics —and of course about my own integrity.” — AL GORE, PROPOSING A MASSIVE NEW BUREAUCRACY TO CONTROL CAMPAIGN FINANCING, QUOTED IN THE NEW YORK TIMES

Of course.

“Those elephants were beautiful. I desperately wanted to ride on the elephant’s back.” — BILL CLINTON, IN JAIPUR, INDIA, UPI

Naturally.