“To put it simply, the state of the planet is broken.” — António Guterres, U.N. Secretary-General, global warming speech at Columbia University, quoted at Grist

Let me guess. Your planetary “fix” is global communism. Am I right? Yes, I am.

“What happened was I got out of the shower. I got a dog and anybody who’s been around my house knows, dropped, little pup dropped a ball in front of me. And for me to grab the ball. And I’m walking through this little alleyway to get to the bedroom. And I grabbed the ball like this, and he ran. And I’m joking, running after him and grab his tail. And what happened was that he slid on a throw rug. And I tripped on the rug he slid on. That’s what happened. Oh man, not a very exciting story.” — Joe Biden, explaining on cnn how he broke his foot, quoted in The New York Post

Did Doctor Jill Biden treat your foot? Oh. That’s right. She’s not that kind of doctor!

“I hope you’ll enjoy these pics of … Champ & Charlie First Grand-pupper … during our Tug of War match. Champ was the champion; some names are predestined. Just like winning in a landslide by a record number of votes.” — Instagram photo of Biden dogs tearing apart a Trump figure chew toy, with hashtags #ByeDon and #YoureFired, Breitbart

Dog Day Afternoon at the Biden House. Was that chew toy made in the Ukraine?

“Pet psychic Beth Lee-Crowther says Joe Biden’s dogs, Major and Champ, told her they are excited to live in the White House. They also say their master will be ‘a great President.’” — The Daily Beast

Are Hunter’s dogs excited too?

“George H.W. Bush was known for his socks, maybe Biden will be too? Today he wore dark blue socks adorned with lighter blue dogs.” — Jennifer Epstein, White House reporter, Bloomberg News

Yes. But what about the crease in his pants? Do they have dogs too?

“Do not use derogatory terms, such as insane, crazy/crazed, nuts, or deranged, unless they are part of a quotation that is essential to the story. Avoid using mental health terms to describe unrelated issues. Don’t say that an awards show, for example, was schizophrenic.” — AP Stylebook

Insane, crazy, nuts journalism.

“These are people who if Donald Trump said, ‘I’m going to trash you on Twitter unless you go smack your mom in the face,’ they would go smack their moms in the face and try to explain it to them afterward.” — John Harwood, cnn reporter, slamming House Republicans who support Trump, quoted in The Hill

These are journalists who, if Jeff Zucker said, “Trash Trump every minute of every day,” they would tell him, “Zuck off, we’re way ahead of you, boss!”

“Brothers and sisters, this is the worst of times… We are all together in a single world of pain. We’ve never had more starving from a pandemic in modern times… And yet it will now get worse. Partisans with poisonous intent are trying to create a crisis on top of a crisis. This moment will be remembered for what happens next. And I wanna be on record to you and to all as an American, as a journalist, and as an officer of the court: Trump and his party are trying to kill our democracy with these [court] efforts, and I accuse them of this high crime tonight. This is wrong!” — Chris Cuomo, cnn

Something happened to Fredo during lockdown; what’s left of his mind is a single world of pain.

“Bars and restaurants in most of the country will be closed as we go into this wave… The next 4 to 6 months really call on us to do our best [to shut down]… Then we’ll have, starting in the summer, about 9 months where a few things … will still be restricted. But you know we can see now that somewhere between 12 to 18 months and we have a chance, if we manage it well, to get back to normal.” — Bill Gates, on cnn

Who is “we,” Bill? The next 4, 6, 9, 12, 18, 100 months, whatever. Mega-billionaire has his.

“What did surprise us is we hadn’t really thought through the economic impacts.” — Melinda Gates, wife of Bill Gates, on the response to the pandemic, in The New York Times

Talk about an “oops.” You could call this Gates-gate.

“After January 20th if you see a former Trump official, appointee, supporter, or enabler, kick him; he’ll know why.” — Jerry Saltz, New York magazine art critic, in since-deleted tweet

An esteemed member of the “arts and croissant” crowd shows us his jackboots.

“So this is just a warning to you Trumpers. Be careful. Walk lightly. We ain’t playing with you. Enough of the shenanigans. Enough is enough. And for those of you who are soldiers, you know how to do it. Do it right. Be in order. Make them pay.” — State Rep. Cynthia Johnson (D, Detroit), video via Twitter

Pay? We are the only ones who do. Where do you think tax revenue comes from?

“[E]ven when Trump leaves office, it’s not over. His cultists’ reign of terror will shape elected gop members as long as he and his foul spawn walk the earth unpunished. Only exposure, pain, humiliation, and (inshallah) incarceration will lead to a moment of reckoning for the gop. It should start at the top and work down from there.” — Rick Wilson, editor-at-large, The Daily Beast, quoted at JonathanTurley.org

Rick Wilson, leave the video games alone. Then again, no. Get lost in them.

“Trump Is No Longer the Problem. His Army of Followers Is.” — Slate

You betcha.

“No seriously … how do you deprogram 75 million people? Where do you start? Fox? Facebook? We have to start thinking in terms of post-WWII Germany or Japan.” — David Atkins, Democrat National Committee member, referring to Trump voters, on Twitter

The dnc’s Fourth Reich?

“[Trump] keeps saying he’s gonna run in 2024. You are not going to run if you are in jail, my friend… I’m just saying, tick tock, baby.” — Whoopi Goldberg, on abc’s “The View,” quoted at Breitbart

This must be more of the “healing” and “unity” the left wants.

“Like I told Barack, if I reach something where there’s a fundamental disagreement we have based on a moral principle, I’ll, uh, I’ll, I’ll, I’ll, I’ll, I’ll, I’ll develop some disease and say I have to resign.” — Joe Biden, asked about disagreements with Kamala Harris, on cnn

The whole world has known that’s the plan since your nomination.

“Joe from Scranton Didn’t Win Back the Working Class.” — The New York Times

He didn’t win. But that’s another story — for another day.

“Maybe we will do an ad telling New Yorkers it’s safe to take the vaccine. Put us together. We’re like the modern day De Niro and Pacino. You can be whichever you want. You can be the De Niro or Pacino. Fauci and Cuomo.” — Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D, NY), to Dr. Anthony Fauci, quoted at Breitbart

More like the Menendez brothers.

“The push to open schools is rooted in sexism, racism, and misogyny.” — Chicago Teachers Union, in since-deleted tweet

The Chicago Teachers Union, rooted in commies.

“Don’t share your air — and don’t do stupid things.” — Mayor Eric Garcetti (D, Los Angeles), video via The Hill

Too late. You’re a Democrat.

“It’s time to cancel everything.” — Eric Garcetti, video via The Hill

Garcetti means you. Not him. Or any other jet-set Democrat.

“If it were up to me, anybody not wearing a mask when they are out in public would be arrested. That’s an act of domestic terrorism and should be treated like one.” — Mayor Rex Parris (R, Lancaster, CA), quoted in The Los Angeles Daily News

This is what passes for a Republican in California.

“Somebody said to me at the beginning of the pandemic, it’s almost as though Mother Nature has sent us to our rooms for bad behavior, to really take a moment and think about what we’ve done.” — Prince Harry, Reuters

This is what passes for a man in the clutches of Meghan Markle.

“Every single raindrop that falls from the sky relieves the parched ground. What if every single one of us was a raindrop, and if every single one of us cared [about global warming]?” — Prince Harry, The [UK] Daily Mail

Then every single one of us would be like you — a big drip.

Photos: Guterres ©2021 AP/Shutterstock; Biden smile ©2021 Shutterstock; C. Cuomo ©2021 Matt Baron/Shutterstock; B. Gates ©2021 Ludovic Marin/AP/Shutterstock; M. Gates ©2021 Daniel Irungu/EPA-EFE/Shutterstock; Johnson Screengrab NY Post Video; Goldberg Screengrab from Breitbart Video; Biden mask ©2021 Susan Walsh/AP/Shutterstock; A. Cuomo ©2021 Erik Pendzich/Shutterstock; Parris ©2021 Reed Saxon/AP/Shutterstock; Prince Harry ©2021 Shutterstock