Archive [April 1999]

Memory Block

A few years ago, I wouldn’t have considered using a lowlife rag such as Penthouse magazine as a source — for anything. But we are in the era of Bill Clinton, whose official spokesman, Joe Lockhart, actually called Hustler a “newsmagazine.” With those standards in mind, I quote from a recent Penthouse P.B. release:

“Here’s a defense President Clinton’s lawyers might well have used on his behalf during the Senate impeachment trial. According to an article In the April issue of Penthouse, two Johns Hopkins University researchers say there’s such a thing as sexual amnesia — a loss of memory brought on by passionate sex.”

The Penthouse release goes on to reveal that two doctors, Dr. Chi Van Dang and Dr. Lawrence B. Gardner claim that strenuous exertion during — well, what in Clintonspeak is known as “completion” — “can produce six to 23 hours of transient global amnesia — the inability to form new memories.” In other words, after sessions of long, hard work on the phone with Monica, or off the Oval Office with a cigar and Monica, Bill Clinton could well have … forgotten the whole thing! Penthouse writer J. Garrard says the sexual amnesia defense may have been a long-shot — since “the condition affects only one in 100,000 In the general population.” But Bill Clinton himself has said he’s a President who comes along just once a century. So this may well rise to the level of the perfect Clinton defense.

Next, the SUV Police

Thanks to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, from now on, sport utility vehicles will come with a new mandatory label: an illustrated warning to drivers that SUVs are more prone to rollovers than standard automobiles. The new bright yellow warning urges drivers to “avoid abrupt maneuvers and excessive speed.” with a picture of an SUV tipping on its right wheels, and to “always buckle up,” with an illustration of a passenger belted into his seat.

The old 77-word label (required since 1984] cautioning that the vehicles have a “higher rollover risk” just wasn’t good enough. Apparently, it wasn’t sufficiently frightening, and it didn’t have any pictures. So motorists didn’t get the point. Alter all, they kept buying the darn things!

At least carmakers were able to rally against one proposed label, which depicted an SUV tipping over with a passenger hanging halfway out of the vehicle. Look for that one, my friends, in the next go round: complete with pictures of injured children, pets, and old people. Listen to the protest of Clarence Ditlow, head of “a Washington consumer advocacy group” called the Center for Auto Safety: “A label on SUVs is going to have as much impact on reducing rollover deaths as a warning label on cigarette packs has had on reducing lung cancer,” he complains. Because of course, to the SUV police, enough is never enough.

Turning the Tables

Who says there’s no such thing as a free lunch?

With the television cameras rolling, about 40 Greenpeace activists arrived at the Louisiana Governor’s Mansion last month with what they called a “toxic lunch.” It consisted of fish from a bayou near a plastics plant, where signs warn against eating the catch. But Gov. Mike Foster wasn’t home.

What the environmentalist wackos didn’t expect was that Foster’s press secretary, Marsanne Golsby, would accept the Greenpeace lunch. She proceeded to whip out a plastic fork from her pocket and gobble up the “toxic fish” in front of everyone.

Several of the wackos became hysterical. They begged her to stop, ominously announcing where the fish came from. But Golsby remained unperturbed, asking, “Why did you bring it if you didn’t want me to eat it?”

Hats off to Marsanne Golsby — who was contacted later and reported that she was feeling just fine.

When Gov. Foster heard about the Greenpeace stunt, he said, “l wish they’d go out and save some whales. They’re pretty good at that.” Actually, perhaps they can be persuaded to keep bringing him lunch. It would be refreshing to see these moochers do something useful for a change.

Monica Lips

Believe it or not, my friends, the arousal gappers are still firmly attached to the President. Despite all they know about him in the wake of the latest year of scandal and impeachment, they are still emotionally bonded to the One Who Cares. How do I know this? Easy. All the evidence you need is their reaction after the Monica Lewinsky interview.

Despite what women may say to pollsters, the news media or their own friends as to their opinion of the President’s behavior after they got a good, hard look at the less-than-brilliant Monica, they indicated their emotional bond with Monica’s boyfriend when they voted with their feet: They immediately went on a mission to emulate Monica’s lips.

I kid you not. The Chicago Tribune reports that according to cosmetics company officials, “The Monica Lips rage began immediately after her TV interview with Barbara Walters, when Monica displayed her lipstick of choice. The shelves emptied and the warehouses were under siege. There were waiting lists across several states and anxious calls on the telephones, with women pleading for the chance to buy the Club Monaco brand ‘Glaze’ lipstick and ‘Bare’ lipliner so they could look like Monica.”

No word, my friends, on any cosmetic counter runs to emulate the lip color of Juanita Broaddrick.

Good News?

I have great news for you, as revealed by CNN in one of its polls: “Only” 40 percent of American young people have been corrupted by President Clinton.

In a news report titled “SCANDAL HAS NOT TAUGHT YOUNG AMERICANS IT’S OK TO LIE,” CNN begins by reassuring the public that adults have no reason to worry about the effect of the Monica Lewinsky scandal on the nation’s children. Why? Because their poll of 11- to 17-year-olds says so. Kids don’t think lying or breaking the law is acceptable, says CNN, and they haven’t “turned cynical about government or public officials as a result of the impeachment process.” (Only a quarter of them want to grow up to be President, however.)

All fine and dandy. Until you actually get to the poll results. And I quote: “But here’s the good news: Only 40 percent say his [Clinton’s] behavior has made them feel that lying is OK. And only 42 percent say Clinton has taught them that influential people can get away with breaking the law.” Only 40 percent! What a relief!