Archive [September 1999]

Gas Attack

There’s a new high-tech fleet patrolling the Kuwait desert near the Iraqi border. Air and soil samples can be analyzed in seconds by trucks packed with hi-tech equipment designed to warn the West if Saddam Hussein uses biological weapons.

Last month fumes wafting past the fleet triggered a nerve gas alert. Sensors were set off, and soldiers alerted Army brass that they could be under attack from chemical or biological missiles. A message was automatically bounced off a satellite to British troops on standby.

But more tests got to the bottom of the “attack.” Turned out the source was not Saddam. Instead, the sensitive instruments had gotten wind of a herd of camels breaking wind. Or, as the British tabloid The Star reports: “The smelly beasts let rip next to a truck. So when the Kuwaiti tribesmen’s camels trundled past and pumped out gruesome gases… comical warfare nearly broke out.”

An Army spokesman admitted: “An alarm was caused when a herd of camels passed upwind and changed the air.”

I hope to goodness those trucks don’t roll by an aspirin factory. There’s no telling what the soil samples will indicate.

“Old Battle-Ax”

I was shocked and outraged when I heard about this. How could it have happened? The audacity! The unmitigated gall!

The First Lady was taking a few well-deserved days off from her demanding New York “listening tour” for a photo-op … I mean, for an inspirational visit to the Kennedy Space Center to see the shuttle launch. And then the unthinkable happened. “Just moments ago the First Lady rolled in,” Orlando anchor Steve Rondinaro announced on the air during WRRV-Channel 9’s 11 o’clock news. “There she comes, the old battle-ax,” he said.

Can you believe it?

Rondinaro immediately apologized for the “offhand, flippant comment that slipped out,” which he said was inadvertently broadcast. Slipped out, my eye. I’m sure Mrs. Clinton doesn’t buy stories about things just “slipping out,” and neither do I. This is just unconscionable. But Rondinaro went on: “Please rest assured that I have the highest respect for the First Lady and her role … “ Yeah, right. You and Bill both.

TAXPAYER RUBDOWN

Revelations that a bunch of PBS stations traded donor lists with the Democratic party has already caused Congress to look askance at PBS’s latest $300 million budget request. And now The Weekly Standard reports: “The next time Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch shake you down for a contribution to the noble cause of public television, ask them about PBS’s in-house massage service that your money will subsidize.”

You may not have this where you work, but you are supporting a “wellness budget” for the 500 employees at PBS headquarters in Alexandria, VA that allows office-hour massages to be offered for only $8. Dara Goldberg, associate director of communications at PBS, says: “It’s to relieve the stress from sitting at your desk eight to ten hours a day, using the computer and talking on the phone.” Uh-huh.

The professional masseuse “comes every other week and brings his own chair,” says Goldberg. “We’re pretty frugal over here.”

Well, that’s a relief. We wouldn’t want taxpayer dollars to be squandered, now would we?

Polly Wanna Pardon?

Donna Shalala, Clinton’s Health and Human Services Secretary, is a real lefty’s lefty. But now she appears to be taking sides against the animal rights activists, in a case that has ruffled feathers all over the country.

Chad Alvarez, 23, is accused of microwaving a parrot. Police say that after a dispute with a fraternity brother, Alvarez birdnapped the student’s parrot, Iago, and fried it. Alvarez could face two years in prison and a $10,000 fine.

Well, it turns our the ever-tolerant Shalala has put in a good word for Alvarez, who happens to be the son of the University of Wisconsin’s football coach. Shalala, of course, is that university’s former chancellor. She wrote to Wisconsin Judge William Foust: “A proper balance between punishment and an opportunity to get the professional help he needs desperately will give this young man an opportunity to survive, mature, and straighten out his life and future.” Ms. Shalala well knows just how far someone who desperately needs therapy can go. (And besides, it was probably all his grandmother’s fault, anyway.)

Tale of Two Leakers

You probably haven’t heard this anywhere else, but a Chinese engineer has been arrested — on charges of leaking secrets about a new warplane.

I can just hear you: “Finally! But why hasn’t this been made public?” Let me give you more details.

The engineer, identified only by his surname, Guo, posted a technical article on the internet in May, and authorities finally tracked him down after the information spread to other sites. The article he published allegedly revealed secrets about a new fighter plane that he learned about while working at a research institute. Prosecutors decided to arrest Guo on charges of leaking state secrets.

Why haven’t you heard this before? The research institute in question is in Chengdu, China. The prosecutors in question are the Chi-Coms. The arrest in question was reported in the government-run China Business Times newspaper in Beijing.

Wen Ho Lee, on the other hand, who was identified by the U.S. Department of Energy’s Office of Counterintelligence as a prime espionage suspect and was fired in March for alleged violations of Los Alamos’ security regulations, has still not been charged with any crime. As of this writing, the Justice Department “has not decided whether to charge him with transferring classified information from the secure computer system at Los Alamos.”

Luckily for Wen, he’s not in China.