Archive [August 1999]

Killer Dolphins

For the last few years, swimming with the dolphins has been all the rage. For $1,600 Marie-Helene Roussel will take you around Bimini for “healing encounters” with dolphins. In an ad for her Delphines Center [www.dolphinswim.com), she explains: “Dolphins reach deep into our souls, opening the door to our hearts.’’ Roussel’s partner, a former Louisiana lifeguard who now calls himself Swami Anand Buddha, says that when he first looked into the eyes of a wild dolphin he found bliss. You can, too, if you are interested in “exploring the potential of being transformed by love and higher intelligence of the dolphins.”

Or maybe not. Last month The New York Times reported that researchers are figuring out just how lethal dolphins can be. “Scientists, following a trail of bloody clues, are discovering that dolphins are far from the happy, peaceful creatures that humans think they know. Growing evidence shows that [they] are killing fellow mammals in droves, wielding their beaks as clubs and slashing away with rows of sharp teeth … Unlike most animal killers: which eat their prey, dolphins seem to have murderous urges unrelated to the need for food.” This has shocked scientists, who first thought all the carnage might be due to some kind of virus — until they witnessed dolphin killing sprees with their own eyes. Federal dolphin expert Trevor R. Spradlin concludes: “Wildlife can be dangerous.”

So much for being transformed by dolphin love.

Indian Giver

On his “Poverty Tour” last month, apologizing to poor people, Bill Clinton visited the Oglala Sioux nation in South Dakota for a conference on Native American home-ownership and economic development. (No truth to the rumor that the Sioux gave Bill Clinton the honorary title of Great White Sitting Bull.) The President also signed a pact with Oglala leaders establishing an empowerment zone for the Pine Ridge Reservation. The per capita income for Native Americans is $21,619 — one-third lower than the national average. Fifty percent of Native Americans are unemployed. So HUD Secretary Andrew Cuomo and other Clinton advisers are recommending special anti-poverty proposals for Native Americans.

But why do that? Just give Native Americans that great gift you gave the rest of the country, Mr. President: a big fat tax increase. Confiscate several thou out of that $21,619. After all, tax increases created the booming economy. Isn’t that what you’ve been telling us, Kimo Sabi?

Pecked by an Eagle

The crowd was hushed and expectant on the White House lawn last month, during a ceremony to announce that the American bald eagle was being taken off the endangered species list. There were half a million of the great birds in 1783, when the eagle was chosen as a symbol of the young nation. Sadly, by 1963 the population had dwindled to only 417 pairs. But after concerted conservation efforts, the bald eagle is once again flourishing.

In honor of the occasion, a 10-year-old eagle named “Challenger” graced the podium, waiting regally as the President described the eagle as the “living symbol of our democracy.”

But as the President moved closer, the bird did not hesitate. Challenger bent forward and bit him. Hard. Pecked Bill Clinton right there on his left hand. A White House spokesman later explained: “The President was bitten, but no blood was drawn.”

The bald eagle, a fitting symbol of American freedom. Fierce. Proud. And, it appears, discerning.

THE LIBERAL MIND

Crime is down. All across America, the crooks are being arrested and locked up, in record numbers. Is that a good thing, or a bad thing to liberals? If you said a good thing, you would be wrong.

Front page, July 12 Washington Post: “HIGH INCARCERATION RATE MAY FUEL COMMUNITY CRIME.” That’s right. Ever in search of the half-empty glass. The Washington Post quotes researchers who warn of “unintended consequences” of putting thugs in jail. What might those consequences be? According to the article: “Research … supports a controversial theory being advanced by an increasing number of criminologists, who have concluded that although high incarceration rates generally have helped reduce crime, they eventually may reach a ‘tipping point.’ where so many people in a given neighborhood are going to prison that it begins to destabilize the community and becomes a factor that increases crime.”

Let me translate, Experts admit that yes, locking bad guys up lowers crime. But if you lock up too many bad guys in a neighborhood, the place falls apart — and crime might go up. It hasn’t actually gone up anywhere, but these experts warn that it might. Because the neighborhood has been “destabilized.”

So I guess importing criminals back into the neighborhood would stabilize it. Right? Besides, says sociologist Dina Rose, “people typically come back from prison more damaged and with less ability to contribute to society.” Yeah, we can’t lock up crooks — that might make ’em mad!

Know what? Instead of expending all this research effort on the supposed bad effects of incarceration, someone should study the liberal mind at work.

C-C-CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

Somebody alert NATO — there is conflict amongst the peoples.

San Francisco’s Mission district has become a battleground — with artists, Hispanic immigrants, “activists,” and young professionals fighting for control. “THE YUPPIE TAKEOVER CAN BE STOPPED,” reads a flier. “VANDALIZE YUPPIE CARS … BREAK THE GLASS. SCRATCH THE PAINT. TRASH THEM ALL. DON’T GET CAUGHT.”

To the activists, there’s nothing less than economic cleansing going on. They resent the new construction, the new nightclubs, and restaurants. Once-cheap artists’ lofts now sell for $400,000. “I do think it’s a crime for the yuppies to come here and take all our apartments and drive up the rent,” complains 24-year-old disco-funk singer Natalie Dillon. “All that ‘Die yuppies’ stuff is kind of harsh, but do they have to take our neighborhood?” If these people don’t watch out, NATO generals will soon be conducting briefings about them on CNN.

Fun in the Sun

A respected team of epidemiologists (they study diseases, for those of you in Rio Linda) have concluded that sunbathing is healthy. In the latest issue of The British Medical Journal, Professors George Davey Smith and Stephen Frankel say that health fanatics who run around warning people to stay out of the sun to prevent skin cancer… are really preventing a simple human pleasure that boosts happiness, increases levels of Vitamin D, and may even reduce heart disease. They add that lack of sun has even been linked with depression. (You hear that, Tipper? You’ve been looking kind of pale lately.)

The article points out that skin cancer deaths total less than 2 percent of deaths from heart disease. So “even a modest protective effect of exposure to sunlight could result in a substantial reduction in mortality.” Whereas a big anti-sunbathing campaign would, at best, save just a handful of lives.

Health nuts are livid. Christopher New, who works for the British Health Education Authority as their “skin cancer campaign manager,” told The London Telegraph that the article “runs the risk of undoing many years of good health education.” Health indoctrination is more like it.

Why don’t the health wackos encourage people to relax and get some sun? Well, people might enjoy themselves! And preventing anyone from having fun is what this bunch lives for.