Archive [July 1999]

Near-Sighted

Karen Sutton and Kimberly Hinton, twin sisters, wanted to be commercial pilots. They applied to United Airlines, but were turned down. Reason: they were badly nearsighted. With glasses, the women could see just fine, but not well enough to be United pilots. United’s standard is 20/100 uncorrected vision or better. Naturally, Sutton and Hinton sued. They claimed that under the Americans With Disabilities Act (ada), they were being discriminated against because they were disabled.

Thankfully, just before adjourning for the summer, the Supreme Court ruled against the women. Because Sutton and Hinton’s poor vision had been corrected, the Court said they weren’t disabled and had no standing to sue. After all, under the plaintiffs’ argument, all seven of the nine Justices who wear glasses could count as protected-class members, as could “a majority of Americans,” as Justice Antonin Scalia said.

The Washington Post was not happy: “It’s ridiculous to have disability policy hinge on a set of facts as far on the fringe of the underlying issue as these,” editorialized The Post. “It trivializes the serious problems the disabilities act is meant to overcome to have the question of its scope come down to a dispute over common myopia. But of course that’s not where it will rest.” Of course not! This may be over for the summer, folks, but these people will never give up until every American is considered in need of special government assistance.

Nose Knows

A group of scientists at the Smell and Taste Foundation in Chicago decided to test the Pinocchio Effect… discovering that yes, people’s noses really do grow when they lie. According to their new study, presented to the American Psychiatric Association last month, nasal tissues become engorged with blood, causing them to swell — provoking the liar to touch his itching nose. The researchers point out that during his “misleading” grand jury testimony, the President repeatedly touched his nose — especially when he was asked about his relationship with Monica Lewinsky.

But we all know by now you don’t need to look at President Clinton’s nose to discern when he’s lying. Just his mouth. If his lips are moving…

You’re Out

Mattel has made soldier Barbies and astronaut Barbies … but now they’ve unveiled “Major League Baseball Barbie.” Complete with glove, ball, and Louisville Slugger. According to Tim Brosnan, a spokesman for Major League Baseball, “By teaming up with Mattel, Major League Baseball is reinforcing its message to young women that they can accomplish anything they set out to do, which includes participating in baseball.”

Now, that’s just poppycock. Yes, trivia buffs will tell you that in 1931, 17-year-old Jackie Mitchell of the Chattanooga Lookouts struck out Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig — in an exhibition game. And in recent years, Bob Hope’s all-female Colorado Silver Bullets, under Hall-of-Famer Phil Niekro, played above .500 — against men’s teams like the Flower City All-Stars. But that’s a far cry from making it in the Big Leagues.

Sure, the feminazis may try to pressure baseball into taking women. But mark my words: they won’t make the grade. They aren’t strong enough for the sport’s highest levels. Never will be. Because guess what: men and women are different! And you can tell it to Barbie: “Baseball is tough.”

FOX HUNT

This year the U.S. Navy will spend $2.3 million of your tax dollars to try to save an endangered bird — by killing endangered foxes. You read right. The Navy owns San Clemente Island, which it uses for communications and weapons research. But since the island is home to the loggerhead shrike, California’s Endangered Species Act kicks in. Only 13 of the birds are known to exist in the wild. And the Navy is going full bore to keep them alive — by controlling predatory rats and cats. Problem is, the island’s small endangered fox also likes shrikes. Which causes officials emotional trauma. “Are we going to have to keep making choices?” worries David Garcelon, a wildlife biologist working with the Navy to protect the shrike. “Do we like the ones that are furry? [Or] the ones with the pretty feathers?” Last year, experts fitted the foxes with collars that shocked the animals when they dared come near trees with nesting shrikes. This year, the Navy decided to kill up to 50 of the island’s 700 foxes — targeting those that cross the shock collar’s electrical barrier more than once. They call it — I kid you not — a “two strikes” rule.

This cannot go on. These two species simply must learn to peacefully coexist. Send in Madeleine Albright!

LEGACYLAND

With Hillary Clinton moving to a posh New York suburb (populated by those who’ve won life’s lottery), you might be worrying: “But what about Bill?”

Fear not. He has plans — the Clinton Presidential Library, to be built in Little Rock at an estimated cost of $80 million to $100 million. Library organizer Skip Rutherford explains that many such libraries “have apartments that former presidents use.” Since Clinton doesn’t own a house, says Rutherford, he could live at his library.

And work there, too. In fact, visitors might even be treated to a guided tour by Clinton himself. “It’s not only conceivable,” notes Rutherford, “it’s likely.”

What fun! And it doesn’t stop. The President is consulting with Hollywood director Steven Spielberg, best known for megahits like “Jurassic Park,” the movie and the theme park ride. Clinton told a delighted crowd at a Hollywood fundraiser: “We were talking about whether we could have some virtual reality effects in my library in the museum.”

Hmmm — the first presidential library sure to garner a NC-17 rating.

Man of the Century

Seems Time magazine has already chosen its “Man of the Century” President Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Yes, Roosevelt led the U.S. in a world war against tyranny. For that, he deserves always to be remembered with gratitude. But that’s not why Time intends to devote over 100 pages to him. Matt Drudge reports that Time picked fdr because he was “the giant who created big government — in a time of big need. [T]he ‘New Deal’… lifted America out of the Great Depression” and changed how “Americans think about government.” It’s because fdr created the welfare state!

But Time is dead wrong that Roosevelt’s enlarging government ended the Great Depression. As he encouraged Washington to bully itself into more and more of the U.S. economy, it is much more likely that Roosevelt actually extended the Great Depression.

The real Man of the Century is Ronald Reagan, who destroyed the Evil Empire, the Soviet Union; razed the Berlin Wall; ended the Cold War without firing a shot — and who ignited the prosperity we still enjoy, just by removing the government’s hands from our pockets.

But Time’s Man of the Century isn’t really about the 20th century at all; it’s a desperate attempt to promote liberalism into the 21st. Otherwise, who will buy Time magazine?