Dye Happy

Talk about your hair-brained stories. Fox News reports that a salon in England was required to take down its job listing because the job description included the H-word. Happy. Alison Birch, owner of AJ’s Unisex Hair Salon in Gloucestershire, posted that the position called for both barbering and hairdressing experience. Then the listing stated: “This is a busy, friendly, small salon, so only happy, friendly stylists need apply.”

Alison thought the description was clear-cut, but the job center representative bristled. “I’m sorry, but the word happy is a discriminatory word and we aren’t allowed to use it,” he said, “as somebody who is not happy will be discriminated against.” Apparently, job centers fear blowback from moody stylists who might get hot under the collar if they’re unable to make the cut.

Birch could have told them to get a thairapist, but she didn’t flip her wig. She just wondered, “Has this whole world all gone mad?” Yes. Including a certain blow-dried House Speaker who thinks she’s a victim of a “setup” by her salon. Good thing, I guess, that there was no happiness there.

Anarchy Malarkey

There’s a pity party going on in New York City — thrown by anarchists. Gothamist, a Manhattan news site, reports that local anarchists are “miffed” because the Trump Administration has labeled the city as an “anarchist jurisdiction,” and may cut federal funding.

In September, the Department of Justice designated multiple cities, including New York, as anarchist jurisdictions that permit anarchy, violence, and destruction, while defunding or significantly hampering local police. All of which is true.

But the Metropolitan Anarchist Coordinating Council responded by reading the feds the riot act: “We denounce Trump’s attempt to scapegoat anarchists… In Anarchist NYC, all New Yorkers will … get our needs met and our desires nurtured simply because we exist, regardless of our identities, immigration statuses, bank accounts, or disabilities.”

In other words, they deserve federal money — for breathing. But if the Administration cuts off their cash flow, they’ll just “get their needs met” and “desires nurtured” by looting more businesses. Because they’re anarchists. Proving Trump right.

Scaretech on Deck

Yet another global warming project has caused an unforeseen environmental crisis of its own. The project: wind farms. The crisis: bird poo. On wind farms around the world, maintenance workers face a huge, toxic problem: seabirds use them as public toilets. At least 50 percent of the surface of these structures are usually covered with guano, according to Windpower Monthly. The wind energy publication cautions, “Seabird feces poses a serious health risk to offshore wind workers, due to its highly carcinogenic qualities, and is also expensive and unpleasant to remove.”

Scaretech to the rescue. When this robotic scarecrow, dressed in bright clothing, detects a bird fly-by, it activates to make loud noises and flash strobe lights, shooing the pooping birds away. Where Scaretech was installed at a wind farm for 12 months, the guano on the structures dropped to zero.

The scarecrows are powered by a battery and solar panels, because solar power is “sustainable.” So, here’s the next environmental crisis: saving the environment from the decaying solar panels when they become garbage. This calls for someone less gull-ible to save the global warming crowd from themselves.

Come Clean

Remember when the covid-19 lockdown began many moons ago, the media was celebrating forced quarantines as the perfect time to fulfill those dreams, like learn a foreign language or paint your own masterpiece? Oh, and be sure to disinfect all surfaces in your home. Time for spring cleaning!

Not everyone caught the joys-of-cocooning fever, however. Moving the vacuum still sucked. Laundry was still not loads of fun. When they couldn’t go anywhere, a lot of cooped-up citizens became less motivated to tackle domestic chores, much less sanitize their homes.

So abc’s “Good Morning America” recently featured a shining new internet genre: motivational cleaning videos. These wildly popular flicks show YouTubers in cleanup mode, and thousands upon thousands of viewers watch them for inspiration. Says Faith Matini, a motivational cleaner who has garnered a million views on one video: “Gosh, we all need something. We all need some sort of distraction from what’s going on in our lives.” Hunter Biden should give it a whirl.

Illustrations ©2020 Allison Smith for The Limbaugh Letter; Photo Pink Stink ©2020 My Good Images/Shutterstock; Anarchy fists illustration ©2020 Sylverarts Vectors/Shutterstock; Scaretech on Deck photo ©2020 Scaretech; Come Clean photo ©2020 LM Photos/Shutterstock