Put That in Your Trunk

Meet Happy, a single Asian female, 49, who has lived in New York City for four decades. She is intelligent, somewhat shy, and loves fresh food.

Also, she weighs 8,500 pounds, because she is an elephant. But a bunch of animal rights wackos claim that Happy, though assigned pachyderm at birth, should be considered a legal person under U.S. law. Insists the Nonhuman Rights Project [nrp]: “Happy is an autonomous and sentient Asian elephant who evolved to lead a physically, intellectually, emotionally, and socially complex life. Every day for 40 years, her imprisonment by the Bronx Zoo has deprived her of this life.”

What law would bestow such personhood? Habeas corpus, according to The New York Law Journal. After all, says Harvard Law professor Laurence Tribe, “African Americans who had been enslaved famously used the common law writ of habeas corpus in New York to challenge their bondage and to proclaim their humanity.” Yes, Tribe actually makes this argument in an amicus brief before a Manhattan appellate court, which will decide whether or not Happy can self-identify as a person whose life is as intellectually complex as a Harvard professor’s.

nrp wants Happy moved to a Tennessee sanctuary where she would have over 2,500 acres to roam with other elephants — inside secure fencing. Apparently, that is free enough for a nonhuman person. But what if the other pachyderms don’t want to share their sanctuary? Do they have no say in the matter? Do they have no rights? Are they not nonhuman persons, too? I predict a class-action lawsuit.

Cut the Cheese

Have it your way, says Burger King — as long as you’re a global warming nut. According to Breitbart, Burger King has cowtowed to the climate change extremists who have been screaming to the skies on social media that bovine flatulence is wrecking the planet. Proving once again that corporate boardrooms are falling for the illusion that Twitter is America.

Sadly, the result has an odor of fail. The fast food giant announced it was adding 100 grams of lemongrass leaves to its cow feed, supposedly reducing each animal’s methane emissions by 33 percent. Burger King is offering its Reduced Methane Emissions Beef Whopper in leftie hotspots like New York City, Austin, Portland, and Los Angeles. Because those are the only places consumers will fall for this crapola.

As much as libs might raise a stink, Burger King is not yet cutting the cheese from their signature burgers. Human methane emissions won’t be on their activism menu until Twitter says so.

Rising Tide

With coronavirus hysteria ebbing, Politico is trying to reignite the rising-seas hysteria. In an article titled “The Case for ‘Managed Retreat,’” Politico intones: “We’ve known for decades that coastal residents need to relocate ahead of climate change. Here are some ideas for finally getting them to move.” The Union of Concerned Scientists, a group of tree-huggers who want to manage your retreat, warns that more than 300,000 homes in the U.S. are “at risk of chronic tidal flooding in the next 30 years.” The homeowners are pretty much ignoring them.

Yes, the U.S. government has long been buying out lower-income coastal residents after a natural disaster. But few people feel like moving inland when everything is fine. Recently, the feds, backed by the Army Corps of Engineers, have been trying to buy more homes in high-risk coastal areas; some local governments are even threatening to use eminent domain.

But there’s one shoreline-dwelling demographic Politico does not mention: the super-rich libs living on the nation’s most coveted beach real estate who coast along, preaching to everyone else how to “save the earth.” If they meant any of it, they’d give up their primo seaside mansions in the Hamptons. But they’re too busy donating to the “green scientist” groups working to remove their lower-income neighbors.

Illustrations for Put That in Your Trunk and Cut the Cheese ©2020 Mark Herron for The Limbaugh Letter; Rising Tide photo ©2020 Realtor.com; A Loss for Words Photomontage created by The Limbaugh Letter; Space Cadets photo ©2020 Screengrab from Yahoo Video; Boogie Bots photo ©2020 Kyodo/via Reuters; Namaste, Six Feet Away photo ©2020 Reuters