Archive [November 1998]

Military authorities are warning officers and enlisted personnel that “contemptuous words” about President Clinton could lead to disciplinary action. They are ordering troops to avoid “insulting, rude, or disdainful” comments about the President, reminding them that even repeating jokes about the Commander-in-Chief and Monica Lewinsky could subject them to prosecution under military law.

So as a service to the U.S. Military, I provide the following sample of the sort of dangerous material being whispered from civilian to civilian. Study these jokes and cartoons carefully, so you will know exactly what to avoid: Do not — I repeat — do not pass along any of these jokes:

• Q: How does Bill Clinton define safe sex?

A: Whenever Hillary is out of town.

• Clinton said he had a “lapse in judgement.” Actually, by Monica’s count there were 52 lapses in judgement. In fact, his secretary, Betty Curry, started telling him: “Mr. President, your 3:15 lapse in judgement is here.”

• President Clinton: “I never told her to lie … I told her to kneel…”

• It’s obvious that Clinton is having trouble with his memory. For the last 20 years, he’s forgotten he was married.

• Mike McCurry really had it rough — he had to make just as many denials as President Clinton, but he didn’t get any of the sex that went along with it.

• Ross Perot said President Clinton has a defective brain. Well, luckily a lot of Clinton’s thinking isn’t done with his brain, so that isn’t a problem.

• Did you see Ted Kennedy reading the Starr report? “Been there, done that, been there, done that…”

• Clinton was spending so much time getting so much sex, it’s hard to believe that he had any time for illegal fund-raising, isn’t it?

• After Clinton raised $4 million for the Democrats in New York, he then went to see the Broadway show, “The Lion King.” To make him feel more comfortable they changed the title to, “The Legally Accurate King.”

• Satan to Clinton: “Bill, I have a deal for you. I’m going to give you the most powerful job in the world. I’m going to give you the most beautiful women doing whatever you want. I’ll even make it so people send you money, even thousands of dollars. There’s just one thing I want in return: your soul.” Clinton: “So what’s the catch?”

• Washington has come up with a solution for the Clinton situation. They added the 11th commandment: “Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff.”

• Computer executives say that Windows 98 goes down so much they should rename it MONICA 98.

• Q: Why is Monica Lewinsky switching parties?

A: Because Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Al Gore to Bill Clinton: “I never slept with my wife before we were married. Did you?”

Bill: Hmmm. What was Tipper’s maiden name?”

• Q: Why does Bill Clinton wear boxer shorts?

A: To keep his ankles warm.