Earth Fix

The urban slogan “crack is wack” can now cover environmentalist wackos. Drug dealers in the UK are virtue-signaling, according to The New Zealand Herald, promising “ethically sourced” cocaine that’s supposedly good for the planet. This way, junkies can feel pure as the wind-driven snow, apparently.

The eco-sustainability sales pitch is hooking high-end users, who snap up “woke coke” at fancy parties. They pay through the nose, routinely coughing up the equivalent of $275 for a single gram of mojo. Local actress Davina Taylor wise-cracked, “They’ve got their vegan food, their organic wine, and their woke coke, and a [joint] going… The hypocrisy [is] bullsh–.” Colombian humanitarian worker Bibiana Villota snorts, “No one in Colombia produces cocaine ‘ethically.’ The trade inevitably involves bloodshed, the destabilization of communities, and an appalling cycle of violence… What you call fair-trade cocaine is only going to bring more greed and bloodshed.”

What a blow: “woke coke” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Have a Cow

Leftists consider plastic one of the planet’s worst enemies. To supposedly save the oceans and landfills, they’re going around banning plastic bags, plastic straws, plastic cutlery, and on and on. At the same time, they believe methane from global cow flatulence is destroying the earth. To supposedly save the atmosphere, they’re trying to get people to stop eating beef.

Well, these anti-bovine, anti-plastic activists are being hit with a double whammy: turns out the hated cows can actually digest the hated plastic. The [UK] Daily Mail reports: “Udderly Brilliant! Scientists Discover Microbes in Cow Stomachs That Can Break Down plastic — Representing a Sustainable Way to Reduce Litter.”

Follow the science, people. Researchers at Austria’s University of Natural Resources and Life Sciences found that the rumen, the largest compartment in a cow’s stomach, contains microorganisms that break down pet, pbat, and pef, the toxic ingredients in plastic. Once those pollutants are dissolved into tiny particles, the microbes decompose them even faster.

Will this turn out to be a cash cow, or a cow pie? It’s time to take the bull by the horns and beef up this potential natural recycling source — the steaks are high.

Going Ape-Shot

Talk about literal herd immunity. Proving that covid-19 vaccinators are edging into madness, pushers are targeting a new set of creatures to jab. Enter, zoo animals. Although none of their animals have contracted coronavirus, the Cincinnati Zoo is training its great apes, big cats, and other animals to receive the covid vaccine, according to AP News. The zoo isn’t monkeying around; it wants the animals to submit to injections “voluntarily.” They’re supposedly learning how to hold out their own paws or hooves. Even Fiona the hippo “has been trained to participate.” Whatever that means.

The zoo requires masks for vaccinated guests where they interact with the animals, like at giraffe feeding stations. Once the animals are fully vaccinated, the zoo says it could drop the mask mandate. But if the animals need vaccines, why don’t they need face coverings? Time for the gorillas to mask up. We’re all in this together.

Slimy

After more than a century, many scientists still theorize that humans emerged out of the primordial ooze. Researchers from Harvard and Tufts recently had a brainwave to test this theory in Physarum polycephalum, a brilliant (green) mold. Their conclusion: this blob of blight can “perform surprisingly complex calculations, such as solving mazes or exhibiting basic forms of memory.”

Can you smell the highly evolved brainwash? For their experiment, the researchers placed mold specimens in petri dishes with a single disc on one side and three discs on the opposite side. They observed that the blobs of goo tended to spread toward the sides with three discs, so they concluded that the slime wanted to boldly go where no slime had gone before. Today the petri dish, tomorrow the galaxy. Nirosha Murugan, one of the study’s authors, says Physarum “might actually give us insights into other kinds of intelligence.” Uh-huh.

Vice.com reports all this under the following title: “Scientists Observed a Brainless Blob Thinking and Making Decisions.” You can be forgiven for immediately thinking of Joe Biden and his cringeworthy public appearances. Perhaps there’s a green blob inside Plugs’ skull. He certainly oozes “other kinds of intelligence.” As in, moldy.

Shade Crusade

No, those aren’t trees in the yard — they’re the roots of systemic racism. That accusation may sound shady, but the left is running out of things to call racist. So they’re branching out into landscaping. Among those planting this narrative are The [UK] Guardian and abc7 News, who claim that around the world, “lack of equality has been found to feed the urban furnaces.” It’s supposedly 20 degrees hotter in some minority neighborhoods. Those who have it made in the shade with cooling agents around their abodes — green areas, trees, and air conditioning — are unfairly privileged. Activists claim people of color are pining for shade equality.

The U.S. government is getting sappy about this. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration announced, “noaa and Communities to Map Heat Inequities in 11 States.” Biden’s Secretary of Commerce Gina Raimondo threw shade on Americans from coast to coast: “Our nation faces a growing climate crisis that has exacerbated inequities, particularly for the low-income and communities of color. The Biden-Harris Administration is ready to take swift action … toward equitable climate resilience…”

Anyone who believes this means planting in shade-deprived areas is barking up the wrong tree. The point of leftism is always to make everyone equally miserable. So look out for the Biden-Harris buzzsaws razing all the racist trees from “privileged” areas. Shades of Karl Marx.

Illustrations ©2021 Mark Herron for The Limbaugh Letter; Earth Fix photo ©2021 Shutterstock/Victor Moussa; Have a Cow photo montage by The Limbaugh Letter: Cow and bottle ©2021 Shutterstock/Clara Bastian/SeDmi; Garbage In, Garbage Out photo ©2021 Shutterstock/Nemer-T; Slimy photo montage by The Limbaugh Letter: Biden photo ©2021 Shutterstock/Kent Nishimura/The Los Angeles Times