Archive [May 2000]

“Some kids like to torture cats, I like politics.” — JAMES CARVILLE, AP

… where you can torture the Constitution.

“The party of death! That’s what the Republicans are for, guns and tobacco.” — PAUL BEGALA, FORMER CLINTON AIDE, ON MSNBC’s “EQUAL TIME”

Excuse me, but what Republicans do you see breaking into people’s homes with submachine guns?

“One of their great strengths, by the way, is they have no guilt and no shame. I mean, they’ll say anything.” — BILL CLINTON, ON THE REPUBLICANS, QUOTED IN THE WASHINGTON POST

In psychology, I believe this is known as “projection.”

“I am proud of what we did there, because I think we saved the Constitution of the United States.” — BILL CLINTON, ON FIGHTING IMPEACHMENT, AT AMERICAN SOCIETY OF NEWSPAPER EDITORS MEETING, QUOTED IN THE ATLANTA JOURNAL CONSTITUTION

Yeah, you and Larry Flynt.

“I’m not concerned with my memoirs — I’m concerned with my résumé … My career objective [is] to stay President.” — BILL CLINTON, AT THE ANNUAL WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS’ DINNER, JOKING ABOUT HIS FUTURE, REUTERS

Is anyone surprised?

“I am going to serve my six-year term as senator. I owe it to the people of New York.” — HILLARY CLINTON, DURING SCRIPTED “TOWN HALL” MEETING, CNN

Remember the days when candidates thought they had to get elected first?

“Don’t you news people ever learn? It isn’t the mistake that kills you. It’s the cover-up.” — BILL CLINTON, AT WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS’ DINNER, AP

Unless the cover-up works for eight years.

“On technology issues, God bless him, Al invented e-mail. Me — I just can’t find them.” — BILL CLINTON, AT WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS’ DINNER, JOKING ABOUT THE LATEST WHITE HOUSE SCANDAL. ACCORDING TO COLUMNIST HELEN THOMAS, CLINTON “HAD THEM ROLLING IN THE AISLES.” UPI

The amusing punchline “Contempt of Court” springs to mind…

“Sometimes socialism works … and I think Cuba might prove that.” — CHEVY CHASE, INTERVIEW WITH “AMERICAN INVESTIGATOR”

How long will we have to wait?

“It is a picture that nobody wants, but whose fault is it? It’s the family’s. And they bear the moral responsibility for having that picture there. They’re the ones who wanted this.” — GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS, ON THE AP PHOTO OF ELIAN GONZALEZ SEIZED AT GUNPOINT, ON ABC’S “THIS WEEK”

Yep, they raided themselves!

“One of the beauties of television is that it shows exactly what the facts are. And … if you look at it carefully, it shows that the gun was pointed to the side, and that the finger was not on the trigger.” — JANET RENO, EXPLAINING THE AP PHOTO OF THE ARMED AGENT POINTING HIS GUN AT ELIAN GONZALEZ DURING THE INS RAID, AP

And the child in the photo is happy, happy, happy…

“To be a poor child in Cuba may in many instances be better than being a poor child in Miami and I’m not going to condemn their lifestyle so gratuitously.” — ELEANOR CLIFT, ON “THE MCLAUGHLIN GROUP”

No wonder so many poor children are getting in inner tubes to escape to Cuba.

“They chose to show force so they wouldn’t have to use force.” — SEN. TOM DASCHLE (D, SD), EXPRESSING SUPPORT FOR THE CLINTON ADMINISTRATION’S HANDLING OF THE ELIAN GONZALEZ CASE, AP

In fact, the raid was actually good for the Miami family.

“Agents said they were jostled and screamed at … The front door was blocked by a heavy couch.” — LUISA YANEZ, WRITING IN THE [FT. LAUDERDALE, FL] SUN-SENTINEL, REPORTING ON THE “HIGH-RISK” 130-AGENT ENTRY TEAM THAT WENT INTO THE GONZALEZ HOME AT 5:15 A.M. ON HOLY SATURDAY

The family possessed tactical weapons: a sofa, and maybe even an end table.

“The agents met an aggressive, physical resistance.” — MARIA CARDONA, A SPOKESWOMAN FOR THE INS, QUOTED IN THE [FT. LAUDERDALE, FL] SUN-SENTINEL. THE PAPER REPORTED THAT AS AGENTS APPROACHED THE FRONT DOOR, FOUR MEN AND THREE WOMEN LINKED ARMS; AN INS AGENT STRUCK THE LEADER ON THE HEAD WITH THE BUTT OF HIS ASSAULT WEAPON.

Seven unarmed protesters, linking arms, are so dangerous that the only remedy is a military counter-force of 130 men armed with MP5 submachine guns.

“Some people like to take on big guys. I like to take on big guys. Big guys invigorate me.” — RALPH NADER, GREEN PARTY CANDIDATE, ON THE TWO MAJOR PARTIES, AP

Watch out for the Big Guy on the left. He uses SWAT teams.

“The most important socialist in the world.”— MIKHAIL GORBACHEV, LAUDING POPE JOHN PAUL II, AGENCE FRANCE PRESSE

So why did your friends the KGB try to assassinate him? Hmmm?

“There is a sound case to be made for dropping a tactical nuclear weapon on the Cuban section of Miami. The move would be applauded heartily by most Americans. Alas, Operation Good Riddance would require the sort of political courage sadly lacking in Washington these days.”— ALEXANDER COCKBURN, IN ARTICLE HEADLINED, “JUST NUKE MIAMI,” ON THE FRONT PAGE OF THE NEW YORK PRESS

Right. The feds went easy on ‘em.

“The experts told us Play-Doh would be good to use when someone has been in a stressful situation, because you can squeeze it and it helps work out anxiety.” — RUSS BERGERON, INS SPOKESMAN, EXPLAINING THAT AFTER 6-YEAR-OLD ELIAN GONZALEZ WAS SNATCHED FROM HIS HOME AT GUNPOINT AND PUT ON A PLANE, THE INS PROVIDED A PACKAGE OF TOYS THAT AGENTS HAD BEEN TOLD WOULD HELP RELIEVE STRESS AND ANXIETY, INCLUDING A POKEMON CARD GAME, CRAYONS, A TOY AIRPLANE AND PLAY-DOH, AGENCE FRANCE PRESSE.

INS: “We healed the child.”

“We do it with unarmed people. That is within our idiosyncrasy and our habit.” — FIDEL CASTRO, CLAIMING THAT IF HIS AGENTS HAD RAIDED A HOUSE TO RETRIEVE ELIAN GONZALEZ, THEY WOULD HAVE GONE IN UNARMED, AP

Guess Bill Clinton misunderstood your orders.

“I’m going to back Gore even though it’s killing me … I don’t trust the guy as far as I can throw him.”— DEE SNIDER, EX-TWISTED SISTER LEAD SINGER, ON MSNBC’s “EQUAL TIME”

The liberal Democrat mind at work.

“Although clearly standing and frightening, [it] was in all likelihood not a traumatic experience producing lasting effects.” — DR. PAULINA M. KERNBERG, GOVERNMENT-APPOINTED CHILD PSYCHIATRIST, AFTER A TWO-AND-A-HALF-HOUR VISIT WITH ELIAN GONZALEZ, REGARDING HIS FORCIBLE REMOVAL FROM HIS MIAMI RELATIVES’ HOME, AP

“In fact, we might do it again.”

“It Hollywoodizes the most serious of subjects. If we start moving into this terrain, we’re going to offer shallowness.” — BERNARD KALB, HOST OF CNN’s “RELIABLE SOURCES,” CRITICIZING ABC FOR USING ACTOR LEONARDO DICAPRIO TO INTERVIEW PRESIDENT CLINTON. QUOTED IN THE NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

“Start?”

“The information you provide is strictly, absolutely confidential. Individual information will not be available to anyone outside the Census Bureau for any reason.” — BILL CLINTON, RADIO ADDRESS, AP

Tell it to Linda Tripp.

“Just by changing the lights in the White House, I cut the power bills $100,000 a year.” — BILL CLINTON, ON SWITCHING TO ENERGY-EFFICIENT BULBS, AP

And how much are the red lights, anyway?

“I was as appalled as the next person when I found out that we had taken funds that were given to us by people — money that wasn’t legal.” — BILL CLINTON, AT AMERICAN SOCIETY OF NEWSPAPER EDITORS MEETING, ABCNEWS.COM

In psychology, I believe this is known as “lying.”