Spy App

My my, Big Brother, what big ears you have. The Chinese Communist Party recently introduced a high-tech way for comrades to spy and snitch on each other. According to The [UK] Daily Mail, “China Launches App for Citizens to Report Anyone Who Has ‘Mistaken Opinions’ or ‘Denies the Excellence of Socialist Culture.’” The Chi-Coms don’t list the punishments for those who dare to think freely, but new 2021 laws specify jail time of up to three years for people who “insult, slander, or infringe upon” the memory of Chi-Com heroes.

Since 2019, an anonymous poster has kept an open spreadsheet online of China’s crackdowns on free speech, listing over 2,000 instances of public punishments. There you go, folks. Commies turn Karens into government informants, every time. Coming soon to a country near you.

Lego Larceny

In the old days, thieves typically swiped jewelry or cash. In the pandemic world, some robbery targets are more juvenile. Now police on both sides of the Atlantic are coming down on Lego brick bandits like a ton of bricks, as reported by npr. Recently, an international Lego gang was busted when crooks were caught pilfering boxed sets from a Paris toy shop with the intent of selling them in Poland. And Oregon police arrested a man making off with $7,500 worth of Lego sets from a retail store. Why Legos? They’re lightweight and valuable — especially the highly collectible limited editions. And people in lockdown have had a lot of time on their hands to plan the heists.

Gerben van IJken, a Lego specialist for an auction website, says the most valuable Legos are new unopened sets in the box: “There is an enormous amount of collectors out there who are missing out on certain sets right now and are willing to pay a lot of money.” Unopened sets of the Lego Millennium Falcon, for example, are currently for sale online at up to $11,000. That’s nothing to toy with.

As punishment, Lego looters should be forced to walk barefoot in the dark over a floor strewn with the plastic bricks.

The Nose Knows Not

Even as mask rules are slowly being lifted, control freaks are sniffing disapprovingly at people who dare remove their face masks while eating. The Jerusalem Post reports that Mexican immunologist Gustavo Acosta has designed a nose mask for people to wear while putting on the old nosebag, as the saying goes, during meals. He’s a scientist, so don’t question him.

The “eating mask” is a ridiculous small cloth bulb that covers the nose area like a clown honker, with straps behind the ears. Acosta says that “even with two face masks, they both have to be removed” while eating and drinking. The nose-only mask solves that horrible problem. Next up, one-nostril-only coverings for stopping to smell the roses.

Saint Anthony Reader

In the cult of woke, the veneration of Dr. Grouchy continues. Now there’s a new children’s book addition to the hagiography of Dr. Anthony “Masks-Will-Be-Seasonal” Fauci. As American Thinker reports, How a Boy from Brooklyn Became America’s Doctor chronicles Fauci’s life from his boyhood in New York to “ultimately working alongside seven U.S. Presidents.”

Book author Kate Messner writes, “His father and immigrant grandfather taught Anthony to ask questions, consider all the data, and never give up.” Ms. Messner told cnn that “before Tony Fauci was America’s doctor, he was a kid with a million questions, about everything from the tropical fish in his bedroom to the things he was taught in Sunday school.”

If only Anthony had also learned to tell the truth. The book bypasses peccadillos like being a political hack, getting everything wrong, backpedaling, deception, hypocrisy, forbidding kids to hug their grandparents, and canceling Thanksgiving and Christmas. The very definition of a leftist saint.

Illustrations ©2021 Allison Smith for The Limbaugh Letter; Trash Talk photo illustration ©2021 Shutterstock/Giovanni Cancemi; The Nose Knows Not screenshot photo from Reuters YouTube video; Diet Racist soda can ©2021 Shutterstock/Gomolach