Archive [February 2000]

Hungry in Little Rock

How many animals must suffer so the Clinton legacy of impeachment and perjury can be perpetuated … for the children? The city of Little Rock plans to spend $17 million to buy land for the Clinton Presidential x-rated bookstore — I mean, library. But according to an MSNBC report, that money is being diverted from the parks —which are already so strapped for cash that they are closing 13 of 22 bathrooms.

Animal rights wackos are up in arms, because the budget cut threatens the Little Rock Zoo. The zoo, called the worst in the country, lost its American Zoological and Aquarium Association accreditation in 1998. It has even sold off animals to raise money. “Those poor animals are starving and abused,” complained People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals spokeshuman Ingrid Newkirk. “The idea that money is going to be taken away from them to fund Clinton’s library is an abomination.”

I have a perfect way to save money here. The Little Rock Zoo can share its staff with the Clinton library. After all, they’re experts in handling manure.

Euro-PIZZA

More evidence that we are successfully exporting liberalism! For years I have recommended this as a strategy to those of you worried about America losing out to our competitors. I’ve told you—all we have to do is make sure other countries have to put up with the same stupid rules, regulations, and shackles that we have to deal with, thanks to liberals, and the playing field will be level.

Now Europe has decided to create new cooking appliance standards. It’s all part of their Utopian dream of Euro-unification. All ovens of Europe will have to be the same. Oneness and peace and connectedness will prevail. But there’s a problem. If this rule is implemented, it will be illegal for Italy to cook its national dish—pizza.

Genuine, traditional pizza must be prepared in a wood-burning brick oven, where temperatures greatly exceed those in an electric or gas oven. As Sergio Miccu of the National Neapolitan Pizza Chefs’ Association explains, the wood-burning oven “is needed in order for the pizza to remain soft in the center and crisp on the sides.” But the European Union directive aims to ban the old-fashioned ovens. Never mind that seven million pizzas are consumed every day in Italy, supporting the livelihood of 43,000 pizza chefs.

Italians are predictably upset, but they might as well get over their love of fat-laden pizza right now. The Euro health gestapo will no doubt outlaw it anyway.

PRESIDENTIAL TRADEMARK

Well, it’s official. Bill Clinton is Slick Willie — the federal government says so.

I kid you not. Jack Wagner, an Illinois entrepreneur, sells cigars, hats, T-shirts and posters tweaking President Clinton —with a “Slick Willie” logo. When Mr. Wagner tried to have the name trademarked, trademark examiner Karen Bush informed him by letter: “The evidence clearly shows that the name Slick Willie is a nickname which refers to President Bill Clinton. Furthermore, the evidence shows that the nickname is not a complimentary name, and is used in a disparaging manner, indicating that the President has a lack of character.” Three other businesses, including a maker of condoms, have tried to patent the “Slick Willie” brand name, with the same results. Thus it is the official position of the Clinton Commerce Department that “Slick Willie” exclusively refers to William Jefferson Clinton.

This is a dilemma. Maybe Mr. Wagner could change the brand name to “Lewinsky.” Nah, then we’d have to put up with William Ginsburg appearing on all the talk shows again. Not worth it.

Here’s a suggestion for you, Mr. Wagner. It’s an original, and you’d be one step ahead of the Commerce Department. Try my preferred, revamped version: “Sick Willie.”

“Please, Sir, May We Pray Some More?”

In March 1998, David and Diane Reiter began holding weekly prayer meetings in their home. Between eight and 12 women would attend. Seven months later, according to the Conservative News Service, the city of Denver issued a cease-and-desist order — forbidding the Reiters from holding “more than one prayer meeting a month.” Denver’s Department of Zoning blamed “parking considerations.”

After the order was upheld on appeal by the Board of Adjustments for Zoning Appeals in February 1999, the American Center for Law and Justice filed suit on behalf of the Reiters in U.S. District Court in Denver. According to Jay Sekulow, chief counsel for the ACLJ, “The city officials made it clear to our clients, if they were having a weekly book club at their home instead of a prayer meeting, there would be no problem.”

Finally, in December, the couple reached an out-of-court settlement with the city which includes: an admission that the cease-and-desist order violated the couple’s First Amendment rights; an agreement to withdraw “any applicable zoning policy … that is expressly and singularly directed at religious activity within a residential structure; and $30,000 from the city in damages and legal fees. Isn’t it generous of the Mile High City to give two of its citizens permission to pray in their own homes?

Tiananmen Memories

According to The London Daily Telegraph. the Chi-Coms are about to stick their fingers in the eye of the civilized world. The official Xinhua news agency, mouthpiece of the Butchers of Beijing, announced that China will actually present pieces of paving stone from Tiananmen Square as gifts to 170 world leaders, including President Clinton. Tiananmen Square, of course, was the site of the Chi-Com military’s slaughter of hundreds of peaceful pro-democracy protesters.

That’s the diplomatic equivalent of Clinton apologizing to Hillary by presenting her with a blue dress from The Gap.

The Chi-Coms removed much of the paving shortly after the 1989 massacre to cover up tank treads and other evidence of carnage. The slabs have been cut into pieces about 5 inches long, 4 inches wide and an inch thick. The Beijing Evening News, a puppet of the totalitarian state, hailed the symbolic value of the stones. I’m sure they’ll find an honored place in the Clinton presidential library. Filed under: Strategic Partners.

The House That Tobacco Built

In acts of selfless kindness sure to be remembered, top Democrat donors have contributed $1 million to redecorate Algore’s 33-room official residence. The Center for Public Integrity reports that among Gore’s patrons are Time Warner, Bell Atlantic, and Coca-Cola. Sony gave $1,500 in electronic equipment. Bill Gates, though on the outs with the Clinton crowd, donated a $30,000 cobalt-blue glass sculpture.

Some of the donors’ names are even more interesting: There’s Mark Jimenez, who fled to the Philippines in 1998 when he was indicted for making illegal campaign contributions; there’s Franklin Haney, who was acquitted of 42 counts of campaign finance violations last year; and there’s notorious Lewinsky-scandal figure Nathan Landow. Florida businessman Howard Glicken, who pleaded guilty to campaign finance violations in 1998, donated a $6,000 pool table.

Algore is really behind the eight ball: $2,000 of his house fix-up money came from eeevil Big Tobacco executive Bennett LeBow. Despite claiming that he “does not accept contributions from tobacco [political action committees], nor … from tobacco corporate entities,” Gore’s keeping this money. In fact, he already spent it. After all, the place was in dire need of a hot tub and basketball court.