“It’s like a giraffe and a flamingo. They’re both at a zoo. A dumb person may think they could mate for offspring. A smart person knows that’s impossible. That’s our bills. They’re unable to mate.” — Nancy Pelosi, on coronavirus-relief bill negotiations with Republicans, quoted at Politico

In the political zoo we have the elephant — and the jackass. Enough said.

“A golden retriever can’t mate with a Chihuahua. You have a Chihuahua. We have a beautiful lion.” — Sen. Chuck Schumer, to gop negotiators, Politico

You have a lot of bull. And what a bull leaves behind.

“There is an actual, genuine international conspiracy against me.” — George Soros, interviewed on his 90th birthday, quoted at The Blaze

Darn it! Who let the cat out of the bag?

“I would describe [covid-19] as a revolutionary moment when the range of possibilities is much greater than in normal times. What is inconceivable in normal times becomes not only possible but actually happens.” — George Soros, quoted in The Hill

“Never let a crisis go to waste” — where have we heard that before?

“I am confident that Trump will turn out to be a transitory phenomenon, hopefully ending in November.” — George Soros, quoted in The Hill

Speaking of a transitory phenomenon, how did your investment in Hillary Clinton work out?

“There’s going to be a split-screen on Jan. 20, 2021… [Y]ou will have [Biden] being inaugurated and watching police and armed forces trying to pull Donald Trump out of the White House. I cannot wait for that split-screen.” — April Ryan, cnn “political analyst,” quoted at Fox News

There will be a split-screen election night. We will have Trump winning again, and the men in the white coats dragging April Ryan and her pals out of newsrooms.

“The fact is, whether he knows it yet or not, he will be leaving. Just because he might not want to move out of the White House doesn’t mean we won’t have an inauguration ceremony to inaugurate a duly elected President of the United States… I’m second in line to the Presidency and just last week I had my regular continuation-of-government briefing… [T]here is a process … [if] the certain occupant of the White House doesn’t feel like moving and has to be fumigated out of there.” — Nancy Pelosi, on msnbc’s “Morning Joe,” quoted at Breitbart

Hey, Joe! Got room in your basement for Nancy?

“Our Republican counterparts refuse to acknowledge running a pandemic in the middle of an election is difficult.” — Sen. Chuck Schumer (D, NY), Senate Minority Leader, on Democrats’ demand for $3 trillion, quoted at wlns.com

Chuck-You swerved into the truth: Democrats are “running a pandemic.”

“To be a bar, you had to have food available, soups, sandwiches, etcetera, more than just hors d’oeuvres, chicken wings. You had to have some substantive food; the lowest level of substantive food were sandwiches.” — Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D, NY), listing his control-freak rules for bars to be allowed to sell alcohol, video via Twitter

The stupidity is enough to drive a teetotaler to drink.

“I’ll buy you a drink!” — Gov. Andrew Cuomo, begging wealthy New York taxpayers who’ve fled the city to come back, quoted at The [UK] Daily Mail

You can’t do that without sandwiches, the lowest level of substantive food. Your rules.

“A lot of those folks are still out in the fields picking our corn, and making sure that that food is in our grocery stores, and working in these meatpacking plants, to ensure that the, that the cow that was slaughtered gets into our bellies.” — Michelle Obama, claiming we need to rethink “how wealth is distributed” to illegal aliens, quoted at Breitbart

Remember your hated school lunch program? Maybe you should leave the food plans alone.

“And I had a nurse at uh, nurses, at uh Walter Reed Hospital who would bend down and whisper in my ear, go home and get me pillows. They would make sure they’d, actually, probably nothing ever taught in uh, you can’t do it in the covid time, but they’d actually breathe in my nostrils to make me move, to get me moving.” — Joe Biden, Grabien

That’s Kamala’s job now.

“No, I haven’t taken a test. Why the hell would I take a test? C’mon, man. That’s like saying you, before you got in this program, if your take a test where you’re taking cocaine or not, what do you think, huh? Are you a junkie?” — Joe Biden, asked by Errol Barnett, an African American reporter, “Have you taken a cognitive test?” on cbs News

Black reporter = cocaine junkie? Joe, you’re right. No need to test you.

“Look, c’mon man, I-I-I I know you’re trying to goad me, but I mean, I’m so forward looking to have an opportunity to sit with the President or stand with the President and debates. There gonna be plenty of time. And by the way as I joke with the him, you know, nah I shouldn’t say it, I’m gonna say something I don’t, I probably shouldn’t say. Anyway, I am uh I am very willing to let the American public judge my physical mental phil — my s-physical as well as my mental phil, fitness.” — Joe Biden, cbs News

This is what searching in vain for a lucid thought looks like.

“To get our people to work and our kids to school safely, to get our kids to market swiftly, to power a clean energy revolution in this country, we need to modernize America’s infrastructure.” — Joe Biden, infrastructure speech, msnbc

What “market” are you trying to get kids to swiftly? Epstein island?

“I wish we taught more in our schools about the Islamic faith. I wish we talked about all the great confessional faces, one of the great confessional faiths. And what people don’t realize is — one of my avocation is theology — don’t realize is that we, we all come from the same root here, in terms of our fundamental basic belief.” — Joe Biden, pbs video, via Twitter

This is what happens when Joe runs out of people to plagiarize.

“She cares about equality deep within her soul.” — Mika Brzezinski, on Biden veep pick Kamala Harris, on msnbc’s “Morning Joe”

Let’s ask Willie Brown how deep she is willing to go.

“I don’t know that there’s a better debater or questioner on the political field right now. Her skill set is unmatched.” — Nicolle Wallace, msnbc host, on Kamala Harris, claiming Trump is “scared” of Harris, quoted at The Huffington Post

And while we’re at it, let’s ask Willie Brown about her skill set.

“My poodle and I are going to bed happy knowing that when Uncle Joe becomes President, Auntie Kamala will be there in case bad crap happens.” — Ana Navarro, “Republican consultant,” on Twitter

Hey, Ana. Democrat lapdog. Your “Uncle Joe” and “Auntie Kamala” are the bad crap.

“Kamala Harris comes from the middle-of-the-road, moderate wing of the Democratic Party.” — George Stephanopoulos, abc News

There’s no such thing, George. Which you know well, coming from the lying-all-the-time liberal wing of the Democrat Party: the drive-by media.

“Picking Harris, Biden Puts Centrist Stamp on Democrats’ Future.” — The Los Angeles Times

Antifa already stamped that.

“Joe Biden … select[ed] someone whose resume suggests being ready to step in, if and when Biden decides to step aside.” — cnn, envisioning Biden’s departure the very day he announced veep pick Kamala Harris

President Auntie Kamala? Voters are ready to step away from that.

“I will be pushing him [Biden]. I will, you know, as soon as we get him in the White House, and even before. With these task forces that we had, we were able to significantly push Joe Biden to do things that he hadn’t signed onto before. So he is movable.” — Rep. Pramila Jayapal (D, WA), far-leftist, on “The Daily Show”

You Democrats are going to push Joe right over that cliff in your Medicare grandma ad!

“aoc Is the Future of the Catholic Church.” — National Catholic Reporter editorial praising Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D, NY) for “her passion for justice and human dignity, and in her courage and integrity”

Popette Alexandria the First. For those of you who don’t believe in hell, what do you say now?

“This is literally a life-and-death election.” — Alexis McGill Johnson, Planned Parenthood acting president, endorsing Joe Biden, npr

For you, it’s never about life. Just death.

“Trump is the reason millions of Americans are now unemployed. He inherited the longest economic expansion in history from Barack Obama and Joe Biden. And then, like everything else he inherited, he ran it straight into the ground.” — Kamala Harris, first speech as Biden’s veep choice, c-span

Yeah, we remember the Obama-Biden economy: “funemployment.”

“The sad reality is, no one has done more to set back New York City than Donald Trump.” — Bill de Blasio, New York City Democrat mayor, on Twitter

The sad reality is, every setback is from you. You green-lighted rioters, looters, arsonists; you released felons from prison; you put mentally ill and addicted homeless in residential neighborhoods; you are defunding and handcuffing the cops.

“[This] is precisely what Donald Trump and his campaign were hoping for. He’s an arsonist, not a fireman. He wants to stir violent protests to fuel his ‘law and order’ campaign ads.” — David Axelrod, Obama campaign strategist, on riots in Democrat cities, on Twitter

Nice try, David. Now go play with your looting, rampaging, terrorizing Antifa pals.

“We are pariahs. We are the ‘s’-hole country that nobody wants people from. That’s us now.” — Eugene Robinson, on America, Washington Post columnist, on msnbc

Speak for yourself and your liberal-run cities.

“The filibuster is a tool of structural racism. Get rid of it. It’s time to stop playing by rules that work for the wrong people.” — Ben Rhodes, former Obama national security advisor, on Twitter

The rules were enacted by Democrats. So get rid of your damn structurally-racist Democrat Party first.

“The Constitution is racist… [T]he design and effect of the Constitution, in all its iterations, has been racist. Same for capitalism, by the way!” — Adam Kotsko, North Central [Naperville, IL] College humanities professor, on Twitter

defund the professors.

“The Bee has taken several recent steps to work against longstanding stereotypes. We have largely banned the use of the word ‘looting’ — a term rooted in racism…” — editorial announcement; the new policy also nixes the use of mug shots, which “disproportionately harms people of color and those with mental illness, while also perpetuating stereotypes about who commits crime in our community,” The Sacramento [CA] Bee

The Sacramento Bee is telling us what they think of people of color.

“We are committed to being a part of the solution on racial equality, and recognize the term is derogatory.” — Dreyer’s Grand Ice Cream, dropping the name “Eskimo Pie” after 100 years, cnn

Racism solved. I want a Klondike bar now.

“Group Breaks Off of Mostly Peaceful Protest, Vandalizes Police Station, Sets Courthouse on Fire.” — nbc

Better get rid of the word “vandalize.” It’s derogatory.

“Individuals with a cervix are now recommended to start cervical cancers screening at 25 and continue through age 65.” — cnn

Individuals without a cervix to sue in three, two, one…

“Washington is so lucky I’m not in office. I Would be protesting on capital steps, Swearing Like a Sailor, F— Those Heartless Republican Gutter [rats].” — Cher, on Twitter

Don’t let not being in office stop you. Go ahead; do it. And let’s see who cares.

All photos ©2020 Shutterstock: Pelosi: Patrick Semansky/AP; Soros: Clemens Bilan/EPA; Schumer: TING SHEN/EPA-EFE; Obama: Hau Dinh/AP; Cuomo: Lev Radin/Pacific Press; Biden: Carolyn Kaster, Andrew Harnik, Matt Slocum/AP; Stephanopoulos: MediaPunch; Harris: Carolyn Kaster/AP; De Blasio: Erik Pendzich; Axelrod: Alex Brandon/AP; Cher: EMG