“Russian Space Agency Says Trump Paving Way to Seize Other Planets.” — Reuters

Yup. And he’ll make Russia pay for them.

“Trump Peddles Unsubstantiated Hope in Dark Times.” — headline, cnn

Hope? How dare he!

“Trump Is an Authoritarian Weakman.” — Politico, complaining the “coronavirus would be the perfect opportunity for an autocrat; Trump isn’t taking it”

So … he isn’t a dictator anymore?

“Of course, it’s hardly news that Trump has always had designs on reigning as a monarch with unlimited power.” — Joy Reid, msnbc host, quoted at NewsBusters

Make up your Trump-deranged minds.

“I wasn’t thinking of the Bill of Rights when we did this.” — Gov. Phil Murphy (D, NJ), citing “data and science” when Tucker Carlson asked by what authority did he nullify the Bill of Rights to arrest and charge synagogue congregants, The Daily Caller

Trampling on the Constitution is a Democrat resume enhancement.

“This is a tremendous opportunity to restructure things to fit our vision.” — Rep. James Clyburn (D, SC), Majority Whip, on exploiting the coronavirus crisis, The Hill

We used to produce statesmen during crises. Today we get Demo-hacks.

“Who’s the sh–hole country now?” — Julia Ioffe, GQ writer, celebrating as reported coronavirus cases in U.S. topped other countries, on Twitter

China.

“Maybe This Is What the Planet Needed.” — Stephen Kessler, columnist, on the coronavirus causing “restoration of pre-industrial atmospheric hygiene,” in The Santa Cruz [CA] Sentinel

Misery. Death. Disease. Woe. Horror. And liberalism. Perfect mates.

“We all have found our ways to keep our spirits up during these trying times. Mine just happens to fill up my freezer.” — Nancy Pelosi, displaying cartons of gourmet ice cream in her $20K fridge in her high-end kitchen, giggling that “I don’t know what I would have done if ice cream were not invented,” video she posted on Twitter

Remember the media meltdown when President Trump got “two scoops”?

“Homeschooling During the Coronavirus Will Set Back a Generation of Children.” — The Washington Post

Nope, it will liberate them — any escape from liberal indoctrination centers is a win.

“Baltimore Mayor Begs Residents to Stop Shooting Each Other So Hospital Beds Can Be Used for Coronavirus Patients.” — wjz, cbs Baltimore

Not enough social distancing going on out there.

“The Road to Coronavirus Hell Was Paved by Evangelicals.” — headline, op-ed, The New York Times, changed after outcry to: “The Religious Right’s Hostility to Science Is Crippling Our Coronavirus Response”

Wrong. It was paved by the Chi-Coms.

“The good news is the bad news. The good news, the bad news is people know me. The good news is they know me. So it’s hard to pin something on me that’s not accurate. It’s easy to pin things on me that are accurate.” — Joe Biden, on “The View”

The Biden “Corn Pop” Doctrine

“We have to take care of the cure. That will make the problem worse no matter what.” — Joe Biden, on “The View”

The Trump-Biden debates are going to be rich.

“Our Secretary of State insisted — and this broke the meeting up, basically, in terms of our influence — that this be called the Luhan virus.” — Joe Biden, meaning “Wuhan,” attempting to criticize Mike Pompeo but instead naming a Chinese boy-band singer (Biden also mistakenly called the virus covid-9 instead of covid-19), Biden campaign teleconference

Wuhan, Luhan; tomato, tomahto. Let’s call the whole thing off.

“I try to get out of bed by eight o’clock every morning.” — Joe Biden, quoted in “Joe Biden’s New Podcast Is So Bad,” in The New Republic

Sometimes Sleepy Joe makes it to the breakfast table by noon.

“Stay Alive, Joe Biden: Democrats Need Little from the Front-Runner Beyond His Corporeal Presence.” — The Atlantic

Talk about a low bar.

“If he [Biden] just stands there and does nothing, he’s going to win.” — James Carville, quoted at Breitbart

Just like Hillary “won” last time — right, Serpent Head?

“They [Republicans] will kill people to stay in power, literally.” — James Carville, on msnbc

Vince Foster not available for comment. Neither is Jeffrey Epstein.

“If Biden is serious about winning he needs to accuse Trump of willingness to kill people.” — Jennifer Rubin, “conservative” Washington Post columnist, on Twitter

People who have no scruples shouldn’t advise those who’ve lost their marbles.

“We will have many body bags in front of us if we don’t behave. When there are cracks at [the] national level and global level, that is when the virus succeeds.” — Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, w.h.o. director, issuing an apparent threat in response to Trump cutting off U.S. funding, Fox News

We already have mass graves and body bags in front of us, thanks to you and your Chi-Com buds.

“If you tuned in to it hoping to hear from the country’s top scientists, you were likely disappointed. What we mostly heard was the President. And what we saw was a hijacking.” — Anderson Cooper, accusing Trump of hijacking his own White House task force briefing, cnn

If you tuned in to cnn hoping for news, you were certainly disappointed. Wait. The airports are pretty empty. Nobody saw it.

“The Pandemic Is Crushing the Journalism Industry. The Government Could Save It.” — The Huffington Post, advocating taxpayer bailout of news media

The “journalism” industry is being crushed? In every cloud there’s a silver lining.

“The lifelong conservative Sarah Longwell has been hoping for the President’s downfall, but he has proved immune to every scandal. Will the coronavirus pandemic be any different?” — “The Trials of a NeverTrump Republican,” in The New Yorker

Ms. Longwell. Whoever you are. Why don’t you sponsor a long cruise with other NeverTrumpers? Rates have never been lower.

“And we need to be really blowing up our elected officials’ offices.” — Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, stream-of-consciousness complaining while she mixed margaritas, on Instagram

Yours first.

Photos ©2020: Reid: Rob Latour/Variety/Shutterstock; Pelosi: Andrew Harnik/AP/Shutterstock; Clyburn: Gerald Herbert/AP/Shutterstock; Biden: Tracie Van Auken/EPA-EFE/Shutterstock; Biden: Tracie Van Auken/EPA-EFE/Shutterstock; Carville: Andrew Harnik/AP/Shutterstock; Cooper: Andrea Hanks/Variety/Shutterstock; AOC: John Lamparski/SOPA Images/Shutterstock