“The Coronavirus Pandemic Is Closing Schools. How Will Kids Eat?” — actual cnn headline

The coronavirus might close airports. How will cnn survive?

“Honestly it sounds almost so silly to say, but there’s a lot of restaurants that are feeling the pain of racism, where people are literally not patroning [sic] Chinese restaurants, they’re not patroning [sic] Asian restaurants, because of just straight-up racism around the coronavirus.” — Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, quoted by The Daily Caller

Actually, people are literally not patroning your so silly rants.

“We are looking at two existential crises … If we don’t take this Presidency away [from Trump], we’re going to lose democracy, and we’re going to lose our ability to live on the earth.” — Rob Reiner, quoted at Breitbart

You’ve already lost your mind, so why don’t you get with Elon and head to Mars?

“A vote for Joe Biden is a vote for Science, Compassion, Decency, The Rule of Law & Democracy. A vote for Joe Biden is a vote for Sanity.” — Rob Reiner, on Twitter

Can’t wait to see the existential threat to your sanity on election night. 

“Don’t be such a horse’s ass.” — Joe Biden, to the Detroit auto worker he also called “full of sh–” and threatened to slap in the face, Grabien

There it is: liberal compassion and decency. All malarkey, all the time.

“We’re gonna unite this Party … Folks, you wanna nominate a Democrat, a lifelong Democrat, a proud Democrat, an O-Biden-Bama Democrat!” — Joe Biden, The Daily Wire

An O-Marxist-Lenin Democrat!

“We hold these truths to be self-uh-evident, all men and women created, by the, go you know this, you know the thing.” — Joe Biden, campaigning in Texas, video from gop

Poor guy forgot the one thing that can’t be mentioned at a Democrat rally: God.

“I have to say this is a disgusting smear tactic and this kind of thing is exactly why people want Joe Biden to be President. This [is a] false, misleading, basically conspiracy theory…” — Kate Bedingfield, Biden spokeswoman, asked about Biden’s gaffes, Grabien

If you think that’s disgusting, just wait till all the facts are exposed on Biden family corruption.

“Joe Biden appeals to people who pay their cable bills on the day it arrives. Bernie Sanders appeals to people who may forget to pay the cable bill entirely … They’re both equally morally worthy, but the first group are more reliable.” — David Frum, ex-Bush speechwriter and current NeverTrumper, on bbc

Wrong. They both appeal to people who don’t want to pay the bill for anything, ever.

“Bernie Sanders Is the New Ronald Reagan.” — op-ed, The Washington Post, claiming Sanders “remade his Party with an outsider youth movement, just like the Gipper did”

Jeff Bezos, tear down this newspaper. And cancel your Prime member discount while you’re at it.

“I’m hoping Dr. Jill becomes the Surgeon General … She’s a hell of a doctor. She’s an amazing doctor.” — Whoopi Goldberg, confusing Jill Biden’s Ph.D. with a medical degree, Fox News

Whoopsie. She’s also hoping Hunter becomes Drug Czar. He’s a hell of an expert. 

“I have to say, there is no doubt in my mind we would’ve beaten Donald Trump in November. And you know who else knows that? Donald Trump. He’s been scared stiff of us and for good reason.” — Michael Bloomberg, after dropping out of the Democrat primary race because his only Super Tuesday victory was American Samoa, The Daily Caller

You came up short.

“Yo, yo, you know what, you’re so freakin’ obsessed with what I decide to do with my body, maybe you shouldn’t even want to have sex with me!” — Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D, MI), speech at D.C. abortion rally, The Washington Examiner

Survey says: 99.99% agree!

“I want to tell you, Gorsuch, I want to tell you, Kavanaugh: You have released the whirlwind, and you will pay the price! You won’t know what hit you if you go forward with these awful decisions!” — Chuck Schumer, Senate Democrat Leader, speech at abortion rally in front of the Supreme Court as the Court heard arguments on a Louisiana abortion law, rnc Research

There you have it: respect for the rule of law as practiced by the party of civility and compassion and “norms.”

“I should not have used the words I used yesterday. They didn’t come out the way I intended to … I’m from Brooklyn. We speak in strong language. I shouldn’t have used the words I did, but in no way was I making a threat. I never, never would do such a thing. And … Republicans who are busy manufacturing outrage over these comments know that, too.” — Chuck Schumer, the day after he publicly threatened two Supreme Court justices by name, cnn

Blaming “Brooklyn” for your thuggish threats is not an apology. Chuck-You. 

“You feel like you’re staggering around, you’ve been in a 15-round prizefight that was extended to 30 rounds, and here’s something that will take your mind off it for a while, that’s what happens … Everybody’s life has pressures and disappointments, terrors, fears of whatever. Things I did to manage my anxieties for years. I’m a different, totally different person than I was … 20 years ago.” — Bill Clinton, claiming he had oral sex with Monica Lewinsky in the White House to cope with anxiety, The [UK] Daily Mail

So Monica was your #MeToo anti-anxiety humidor?

“I’m the most investigated innocent person in America!” — Hillary Clinton, in Hulu documentary “Hillary,” quoted in The [UK] Daily Mail

Let’s be accurate. You are the most “got-away-with-it” guilty person in America.

“He [Biden] is building the kind of coalition that I had basically. It’s a broad-based coalition … I think Joe is on track to doing exactly the same thing [I did]: putting together a coalition of voters who are energized.” — Hillary Clinton, quoted at Yahoo News

Um, your “coalition” got schlonged. 

“America Punished Elizabeth Warren for Her Competence.” — The Atlantic

Sure — except for the whole fake-Indian thing and the abject failure of her campaign.

“We are the captains of the ship. We are the last to leave.” — Nancy Pelosi, after Jerry Nadler proposed that Democrats return to their districts to be safer from coronavirus, quoted in The Hill

Captain Nancy, you’re on the Titanic. Nadler is your deck chair. And Trump is your iceberg.

“Civilization as we know it today is at stake in this election.” — Nancy Pelosi, quoted at Breitbart

Correct. Vote Trump.

“I have real problems with this President because … he doesn’t honor the Constitution and he’s harming children. My whole message is about children. Anybody who hurts children, I’m a lioness. Watch out.” — Nancy Pelosi, calling Trump “the most dangerous person in the history of our country sitting in the White House,” in puff piece in Variety

Sorry, the Democrat symbol is a donkey. You’re the hindquarters.

“I will never stop talking about my abortion or my periods or my experiences in childbirth, my episiotomies, my yeast infections, or my ovulation that lines up with the moon!” — Busy Philipps, actress, claiming she owes all her success to an abortion at age 15, speech at D.C. abortion rally, Grabien

And we’ll never start listening.

Photos ©2020: AOC: Alex Brandon/AP/Shutterstock; Sanders: Charles Krupa/AP/Shutterstock; Biden: Matt Rourke/AP/Shutterstock; Bloomberg: Charles Knight/Shutterstock; Tlaib: Andrew Harnick/AP/Shutterstock; Goldberg: AFFI/Shutterstock; Schumer: Lev Radin/Pacific Press/Shutterstock; Warren: ETIENNE LAURENT/EPA-EFE/Shutterstock; Pelosi: J Scott Applewhite/AP/Shutterstock; Clinton: Evan Agostini/Invision/AP/Shutterstock; Philipps: Broadimage/Shutterstock